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Welcome To The Bitchery

Hello all. I posted recently about an issue with my in laws on Christmas Eve and you all were really supportive. The next morning that situation resolved itself when my MiL apologized profusely. I’m never going over there without food again and I don’t think we are doing anything with extended family perhaps ever again for a holiday after this year.

As I’ve mentioned on here before, my relationship with my parents is really complicated. My dad is a narcissist who is emotionally abusive and controlling. He’s made my life really hard over time. And he is controlling as well to my mother and sister. Mom is no angel but at least she loves me for being me and my sister has been probably even harder hurt by my Dad (he isn’t emotionally invested in her and tells her she’s the black sheep). When I moved out here, it was good for me even though I hate living here. My sister moved to get away as well when she graduated from school and then they followed her without even telling her what they had planned until they had listed one house, sold it in 24 hours, and then bought another a week later. It’s just... yeah. They have no boundaries. They moved there (according to my mom who was feeling spiteful at the time) to “pick a pony” who could give them grandchildren. Two years later, I’ve had my first (and only) baby 3 weeks ago today.

My parents came when she was born (they drove 13 hours to get here) and cooked for us and cleaned and it was wonderful. But my husband and I both noticed my father was drinking more heavily than usual. That’s saying something because my dad already was a drinker. We are, too, as we are homebrewers and I’m a wine lover. But “getting sloshed” for us is 3 beers and usually we only have 1 or 2. We used to drink more when we were young and I was still in grad school but my husband has two kids from a prior marriage and their mom is an alcoholic so we try to be responsible and not let them view alcohol as something you abuse or rely on. So, I wasn’t worried and kind of fobbed my sister off when she casually mentioned that Dad was really hitting the bottle hard recently (harder than usual).

Ever since they arrived for Christmas, though, it was a fight. And most of it dealt with his abuse of alcohol, I think. He proceeded to get angry with my mom and sister for making him wake up early (likely because my sister thinks he was seriously hung over) every day to do things we had planned. He invited himself on a date with my husband to go see Star Wars. FUCK. And then complained because there was no booze at the place we went to for a quick dinner and then my sister said drank an entire bottle of wine before passing out on the couch after we came home. The next day, they all came to my in-laws Christmas party but not after hitting a winery at 11 AM.

He showed up already drunk at that party and the proceeded to drink more. He had several glasses at the winery, making them late for the party, and then drank an ENTIRE bottle of white wine at lunch. After my in laws, I just couldn’t deal with him and told my parents we would see them the next day to open presents but my husband and I needed some space and some food. Cried myself to sleep over what happened with the in laws and got up to do it again with my parents. Opening presents was fine. Then we went over for dinner. My dad had clearly already been drinking and then had another two glasses of wine after our arrival and another HALF A BOTTLE over dinner. This was in about 1.5 hours of time. I pointed it out and said, “Do you really need that much?” And reminded him about Dan’s ex and the way his kids may view this and he fobbed it off. All was well until my dad started railing on me for not knowing something I not only do for my job but have a fucking DOCTORATE in. When I explained that I agreed with him about something but he was clearly not listening to me, he shouted at me and declared he never listens to me because I “make no sense”. So, I said fuck it, told my husband to pack up the kids, and decided to walk down the road back to our home where I was safe. My sister and mother convinced me to stay outside long enough for my husband to pack the car.

I returned home not sure if I would ever see any of my family (who were supposed to stay about another week) again. I made it clear that until my dad apologized and quit drinking, I would not be letting our children around him and I would not be having any communication with him. And since I was going no contact, I wasn’t sure if my controlling father would allow me to see my family. They promised this wouldn’t matter but then came over her last night just to tell me they were leaving early today. So, in effect, abandoning me at my greatest time of need. And I get it to some degree. My sister is not feeling safe in the house with my Dad and they had a long drive to get home. I offered to let her stay with us but she said the uncertainty made her feel the worst she’s ever felt.

So I know they aren’t “choosing” my Dad, technically, but it certainly seems like they were disowning me. They only came back to say goodbye and I’m not sure my daughter will ever have a relationship with them. She already has a strained one with her half siblings because of their mom and my in laws are elderly and she has no cousins. I feel like trying to protect her and myself was the wrong thing here and made everyone more upset and hate me more. I feel like I’ve done absolutely the wrong thing no matter what for her. And I know I’m at high risk of PPD (I have Bipolar II, OCD, and PTSD). I have been taking my antipsyschotic and had to FIGHT to start that right after her birth. But I can’t take my antianxiety meds and take care of a baby. I can’t get into my psychologist until next week and can’t get into my psychiatrist again for another month because there just aren’t enough providers. I’ve called them both trying to do more. My psychologist was the only one who could work with me.

This is the lowest I’ve been in my life and I’ve been suicidal. I was in college when my Dad threatened to cut off my health insurance if I broke up with my emotionally, sexually, and physically abusive ex at Christmas. I felt so alone then and like no one loved me but at least I had the support of my mom. This feels even worse. My husband is trying but had to go into work today. He can’t take leave now because he has to take leave at the end of my leave so I can go back to work PT to save leave. I go back to work in a week and a half part time (remotely but still, work) and I’m just... so broken up. I feel like I have no one else and no one loves me. My mother-in-law even after this weekend is coming up here to help with the baby and to give me some company for a few hours here in a bit. But I feel like I can’t just explain what is going on to her for fear she will think I’m fucking awful, too. And the thing that is keeping me upright is my baby needs me.

I’m trying so hard to be a good mom for my little girl and to be a good parent in ways my parents weren’t. People have chosen to not love me. People have chosen to desert me when I am literally at my lowest. I haven’t had a full meal since about week 6 of my pregnancy. That’s like 9 months of not properly eating. I wasn’t able to sleep last night not because of my baby who is a fantastic sleeper but because I’m too on edge. My husband is trying to be supportive but doesn’t get why this is hurting me so deeply. I just don’t see how someone could have this happen and NOT feel so alone.

Based on the actions of others, I am now beginning to doubt that I am worth of love or emotional investment and am pretty sure I’m more trouble than I am worth.


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