I got something in my email today called the "InStyle Hair Report." (Side note: I have no fucking clue why I get this shit. I do not read InStyle. I do not have a Google Alert set up for "hair news." The only thing I buy online is specialty vodka and weird Korean sex tapes that I probably shouldn't have brought up here so NM/JK hahaha. Basically no clue how I got this)

Anyway, this fucking thing showed up in my email today:

CHRIST what the fuck is this?

Let's dissect this bullshit thing, shall we?

"Jennifer Connelly Made A Major Change"

What did she do? Have an appendage amputated? Become a member of the Hare Krishnas? DID SHE TURN INTO A FUCKING PENGUIN?

She traded her signature long layers for a chin-length bob!

. . . . .

What. She did what now?

She traded her signature long layers for a chin-length bob!

OMG. STOP THE PRESSES. SHE CUT A FEW INCHES OFF OF HER HAIR. HOLY SHIT. HAS THE PENTAGON BEEN ALERTED? HAVE THE BUNKERS BEEN PREPPED?

What do you think? Tell us!!

You know what I think InStyle? I think you are completely fucking insane, InStyle. I think the elevator don't quite go all the way to the top floor, if you catch my drift. InStyle. I think you are just totally full of shit, InStyle.

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Let me first just take a moment and say I completely get Jennifer and her decision to go shorter. I have fallen into a beautiful, mad cycle of hair-schizophrenia that never ever ends. Every year I get totally sick of my crazy long hair and finally decide to FUCK IT chop it all off, and am gloriously happy for about 3.72 months until I get clinically depressed because I miss my hair sooooo much and begin the arduous seven-eight month process of dealing with all the awkward 'growing it out' hairstyles until it's long enough to where I finally start to hate it enough to want to chop it all over again.

Anyway, so I'm getting ready to chop this shit off, and I ring up a hairdresser I know through work. I send her pics of my chosen haircut. She tells me they look great and then says this fucking thing:

"Do you think your boyfriend will mind?

Oh.

Fuck.

A.

Duck.

Will he 'mind'? Ohhhh. OK.


Look, if I could get my boyfriend to stop playing Bioshock:Infinite long enough to tell me where he put all the clean towels, I might maybe start to give a crap what he thinks of my hair. He could give a shit. I doubt he sees anything when he looks at me except a talking Vodka bottle who does a lot of rambling on about towels.

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I thought that was bad enough, but later than same day, our very sweet, very young, very married receptionist pops in to the break room, where we happen to be discussing my hair (BECAUSE YES MY HAIR IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF EVERYONE'S DAY. YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.)

She looks at the pics on my phone and tells me it looks awesome BUT THEN SHE SAYS THIS:

"My husband would never let me do that."

GOOD LORD WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING GOOD FUCK.

I was all rage stroke-y about their collected reactions—until I saw this fucking InStyle thing. Well no wonder women are all kinds of fucked up about cutting a few inches off their hair!

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I mean where on Earth would anyone ever get the idea that cutting your precious fucking hair is wrong!

Just look at this dumb crap that someone put in print:

Sorry Miley! Men prefer women with long hair! A whopping 74 percent of men say they find women with long hair more attractive than those with shorter locks, according to a recent survey by Great Clips. Plus, when asked to describe the top qualities of a woman with long hair, most men ranked No. 1 sexy (78 percent), No. 2 fun (60 percent), No. 3 young (54 percent), and No. 4 wife material (37 percent)

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OH YES! GOD FORBID WE DISAPPOINT THE MEN OF GREAT CLIPS!!! I would not want to be miss the cut for "No. 4, wife material." ('Wife material'??? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR FUCKING HAIR? 'Oh Jenny is an amazing wife—you can always count on her to have the longest, shiniest hair!')

Grow your hair long, ladies! Don't be relegated to the un-fun pile!!!

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(Charlize Theron: Will never land a man from the Great Clips survey. )

I mean, it's no wonder we live in a day and age where some young 25-year-old thinks I need my boyfriend's approval to get a fucking haircut. How many times do you think she's had some assclown magazine tell her that OMG CUTTING THREE INCHES OFF YOUR HAIR IS CAAARRAAAAZZZIIIEEE GURLZ EWW MEN WILL NOT WANT TO PUT THEIR DICKS IN YOU LOOOOSER.

Anyway, tomorrow I am saying goodbye to 14-15" of hair and hellllllooo to a maintenance-free summer hairstyle! I can only hope and pray that all of you will still love me, because apparently society is about to shun the fuck out of me.