We're now at four days post-split. I've never liked roller coasters , and this one is my least favorite of all time.
We got together Tuesday night to discuss things and decide how we'll divvy up our furniture and belongings. The moment I got in the car with him, I started to cry. I miss him, terribly. We had burgers and headed to the apartment.
Have you ever experienced something so wonderful that it's actually terrible? That's really the only way I can describe it. He was so smiley and charming, and eager to please me. He said he wanted me to have whatever I wanted, and I proclaimed the same. It was just like when we were dating—THIS was the man I fell head over heels for, and it broke my heart all over again. We had a wonderful evening, just talking and joking. We had tea on the porch like we'd been doing. When he left, I cried myself to sleep.
The hardest part has been wondering if I've made a huge mistake, and then reminding myself that if we jumped back in together it would just be more of the same issues we'd been having, over and over again. Just when I think I'll be okay, my heart breaks all over again and I can't help but curse whatever god there may be for putting two deeply flawed people together and expecting it to turn out fine.
During our conversation, I blurted out that I don't want a life without him in it. He confessed feeling the same, and we laughed about being those weird exes who still hang out all the time, take trips together, and do everything but have sex and live together. "We'll be Jerry and Elaine," he said (from the TV show Seinfeld, for you youngsters). Yes, I agreed. THAT'S what I want.
Is it possible for us to live our lives that way? Could we even stay technically married but live in two separate houses with separate finances and separate lives? Maybe we're still just getting over the initial sting, but neither one wants the other out of their life, and we both still want to take care of one another. I suggested counseling last night, and he immediately agreed.
Maybe we can be Jerry and Elaine after all.