I’m sure we’ve all been there. You’re going through your old shit, trying to clear some waste from your life. Selling or throwing out what you know you no longer need weighing you down. Then it happens. You run into THE BOX.
The box can take many shapes, it in fact, need not even be a box. But it has things in it. Things that remind you of a former life. You stop in your tracks and you wonder what you can do with it.
- You could throw it out, but that would be a waste.
- You can keep it, but then it’ll remain a constant reminder of that life. Plus you’ll have to make space for it and that sucks.
- You could sell it, but isn’t that disrespectful to the person who gave it to you?
Since I’ve recently been on a sell-my-stuff-binge I’m sitting here staring at a watch and collier which I’ll never wear again -not that I wore it much in the first place, it wasn’t my style- doubting wether I should sell it. My relationship effectively ended 9 or so months ago, yet for some reason I’m still worried about hurting my ex’ feelings by selling the jewellery he once gave me.
Really what surprised me more than my hoarder tendency to keep the stuff that reminds me of him, is how much that relationship still affects me. Recently I heard he mentioned that I just ‘left’ Pixel and had no interest in ever taking her with me or keeping her. The very thought of him saying that enrages me. It’s been 9 months and I still miss her like nothing else. Not least because I’d mentioned that I wanted to bring her with me, before he cut off all communications from me. Which I respected. Because that’s who I am. But also because how can someone I was with for 7 years, who knew how much I loved her, ever even thínk I didn’t want to bring her with me! How is that possible? So if he can’t even be respectful of such a thing. Why should I be respectful of his stuff?
It’s been such a long time then why can I still feel overwhelmed with odd feelings regarding a relationship that died such a long time ago. Perhaps because it defined me for such a large part of my adult life. Perhaps because I’m a sap. Either way, it’s something I need to get out. I tell people I’m happy for my ex when I hear how he has this new girlfriend with whom he is exploring Rio at the moment (Which I know because he recently got an instagram account and has been spamming the shit out of fb. When we were together he refused to board a plane and had to double-proof any photo I wanted to upload anywhere). It’s important to me that I’m not hateful. That I’m open and appreciative of the time we had and of the fact that we are now both happier.
But goddamn me if I don’t want to punch him in the goddamn face every time I see it for all the pain, the hurt, the insecurity that he caused me, that is still deeply embedded in me to this very day. I couldn’t realise what kind of scars he gave me when we were together. Apparently, I haven’t even found all of them now that we’re apart.
Is that spiteful? Maybe.
But f*ck yeah I’m selling that jewellery. I hope they get me a good few bucks too. And I’m burning those teddybears too!*
*Well I live in the centre of town so I’ll just expose of them neatly.. BUT STILL!