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Illustration for article titled Judge Kinja Has Decided Your Case

You filed your cases and now Judge Kinja has provided the decisions. Judge Kinja advises you to take all objections and throw them in the trash. Judge Kinja also advises clicking on the links provided to see commentary on each case. (Published early because Judge Kinja has a cookout to attend)


Rebecca Rose vs Tom Hiddleston

Compliant: Defendant tried to murder Plaintiff with pictures of himself wearing tuxedo tails.


Suggested decision: Have defendant arrested and sent to Plaintiff's bedroom.

Actual decision: As said before, one simply cannot get justice for the feels in one's pants. However, justice could be served if compliant was submitted as a class action lawsuit. Judge Kinja recommends that defendant clears his schedule after those who file the CAL wins because there will be a lot of justice for feels of the pants being served.


Pancakes vs Waffles

Compliant: Pancakes has evidence that Waffles has slander its good name.

Decision: Waffles will admit that Pancakes is the better breakfast food. Waffles is sentenced to 60 days of community service where they will help serve pancakes to those in need.


To satisfy a complaint against the court in the matter of crepes relation to pancakes, I Judge Kinja, will amend the statement that crepes are the same as pancakes if (and only if) the original plaintiff will admit that National Football League last season of games did not occur. Original plaintiff will also have to notify Judge Kinja of any appearance of JJ Watt at basketball games.

Chimerical vs Weather

Complaint: Weather's hindering of peoples' pursuit of life by having unpredictable inappropriate climates from day to day.


Decision: After hearing Weather's argument, there will be no decision made in this case. While it is unfair that has engage in behavior that is causing stress on people, Weather would like to point out that it is unfair that the behavior of people has gone unchecked. Weather brings in witnesses Global Warming(alias: Climate Change) and Pollution to support their argument.

MyDearPeabody vs World

Complaint (verbatim):

Judge Kinja, A great disservice has been done to me — nay, to society. No Amelia Peabody films have been made starring Judi Dench as Peabody. But even worse, I have the perfect cast and it has yet to be immortalized in film. The world needs this movie. I urge you to sign an injunction or some such legal thingie giving me the rights to make this service to humanity a reality, and binding my cast to this cause. Together we can CHANGE THE WORLD.


Decision: Judge Kinja wishes some type of "legal thingie" could help in this situation. The Judge feels your pain because the Judge also has something the world needs to see. Unfortunately, there is nothing this Judge can do.

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