Does not mean I'm upset at you for having a good one. For fuck's sake.

Am I not allowed to be upset? Ever? Cuz every time I am someone thinks I'm blaming them for it or guilt tripping them. I'm just so tired of this shit. Yeah, maybe it would have been nice for someone to tell me "we missed you tonight" but I'm not exactly livid that they didn't. I decided to come home and rest, after all.

I just feel like shit, for no particular reason. And now I feel even more like shit because I upset someone for daring to be in a bad mood. I wasn't even being mean or rude or anything! I was just saying "I'm having a bad night" and, specifically "please, don't let me ruin yours. I'm happy you're having fun." But now they're upset at me for some bizarre fucking reason so I feel even worse. And I want to talk about it but I'm afraid of "picking a fight" and making things worse.

I'm just tired as hell of everything. I'm tired of how often I get dismissed by people who are supposed to love and care about me, like my feelings and goals and interests are just not even remotely important. I'm tired of people trying to take advantage of me. I'm tired of not having sex. I'm tired of losing weight because there's nothing to eat in my house because the checks from closing haven't cleared so we still haven't gone food shopping. I'm tired of people thinking I want them to drop everything and coddle me when all I want is for someone to give some semblance of a shit. That's it.

But I can't complain. Cuz when I complain, I'm making people feel guilty. Or I'm annoying. Or I need to cheer up.


I miss my two best friends, the guy and chick. They're the only two who treat me like a person and love me 100% of the time, no matter what kind of mood I'm in.

It was better when I just kept my mouth shut. At least people liked me then.