...on how to make your very own GAY WEDDING PRESENT PRIDE PARADE REGALIA.
STEP 1: GET YO' SUPPLIES. Giant illustration board, some rainbow ribbons, a cheap plastic headband, tissue paper and suspenders. ALSO make sure to have a color printer/rubber cement/ruler/x-acto knife handy.
STEP 2: Turn on some killer jams.
STEP 3: Cut your giant illustration board into 4 box side-sized pieces. Instead of figuring out sizes by using math (ugh, yuck) I suggest that you just pick a random size because that's what I did and I'm always right.
STEP 4: Recreate the Crate & Barrel logo because apparently all wedding presents come from Crate & Barrel. This is totally OK to do and not illegal at all. Don't question me.
STEP 5: Make it RAINBOWWWWWWWWWW.
STEP 6: Print out 2 giant copies of your rainbow logo (each will require several sheets of letter-sized paper). Rubber cement sheets of paper together. Cut out rainbow logos. TA-DA!
STEP 7: Notice that dog needs to go outside. Take a short break, take dog outside so that he does not pee in hallway (Note: this step is optional).
STEP 8: Rubber cement rainbow logos to the sides of your "box"
STEP 9: Tape the 4 sides of your box together (On what will become the inside. Don't make your box look like shit).
STEP 10: BE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DELIGHTED BY HOW PERFECTLY THIS IS TURNING OUT!!!
STEP 11: Beer.
STEP 12: Add tissue paper (scrunch it up and tape it to the inside of the box, peeking over the top edge). Make sure it's purple, because we're obviously going for subtlety here.
STEP 13: RAINBOW SUSPENDERS YESSSSSSSSSSSSS.
STEP 14: Make gift tag to wear around your wrist or neck. Congratulatory wishes on one side and equality on the other, fuck yeah!
STEP 15: Tie your rainbow ribbons to your cheap headband. Put on head.
STEP 16: Put on costume. Add neon sunglasses. BE AWESOME.
(For reals though... if any of you are going to be at the NYC Pride Parade tomorrow I'll be in the parade, wearing this + a bright pink Planned Parenthood t-shirt. If you see me say hello!)