I should be feeling hopeful, but I'm incredibly discouraged.
I've talked about my problems with GreenHunk before, but not really where they're coming from or why we're having them. They are really confusing, even to me, when I think about them. I guess, in a nutshell, I have abandonment issues and he tends to shut down and put up walls when people get angry with him. Somewhere around the time we got engaged, some stuff happened that started triggering my abandonment issues. I don't even know exactly what anymore. He wanted to spend more time with friends and out places, for one; for another, we found out we had had chlamydia for the whole time we'd been together and I'd gotten it from the Abusive Asshole, but truth be told on some level I was terrified that I actually got it from GreenHunk and he had cheated on me. All I know is, somewhere along the way we got into this horrible spiral where he would do things that would make me feel abandoned and I would be really hurt, so I'd get angry and yell at him, so he'd check out even more. I threatened to break up with him a few times, and seriously thought about it.
We finally had a breakthrough about a week and a half ago. He almost broke up with me, and we finally started having a conversation about how much he had disconnected from me, how sad we both are about it, how much we love each other and want to repair things. We went to therapy for the first time last week. I've been reading about DBT and have been working really hard not to let my emotions, whatever they are, dictate my actions. I have a calendar in my phone that I can write on, and I've been putting a big X over every day I manage not to take out my emotions on him. So far, I have not had any angry explosions. I know the consequences of that for how he feels and I feel pretty sure I won't have any more.
But trust takes time to rebuild. He doesn't trust that I won't get angry, and I don't trust that he actually cares about me. I think I'm actually in a more emotionally stable place than him right now, and he's helped me a lot when I've been less than stable, so I've made the decision to do as much reaching out as I possibly can, even knowing that he won't be able to respond in ways that make me feel safe and loved, at least not at first. I know this is the right decision and I feel confident that, given a few months of work, everything will be a lot better and we'll both feel the sort of passion we used to in the old days, before this started happening.
Right now, though, it is so, so hard. I'm beating myself up for having hurt him, and simultaneously am hurt and angry that he can't meet my emotional needs right now. I know they are just feelings and I'm practicing mindfulness with them, but even that is exhausting. I have lost all desire to hang out with people because I don't want to burden them with my sadness and fear, and I don't want to have to pretend to be normal. All I want to do right now is go on long walks by myself, make art, and watch stupid TV shows to distract myself while I hide under the covers.
I know this is an important lesson that I had to learn anyway - not to fear abandonment, not to let anxiety take over my life, not to let anger dictate my actions. I know that I am incredibly lucky to have a partner willing to try to repair things, and I believe we can do it. I'm just having a hard time keeping my shit together and not just spending the whole day at work listening to depressing music and crying at my desk.
Thanks for listening, guys. Sorry for being so depressing lately. I think you guys feel safer than my irl friends right now - GreenHunk and I as a couple are such a large part of our friend group, and they all know him, and I just need to be able to tell someone who isn't going to have any personal emotions over it, you know? I <3 you all, and I hope you skipped this if you're having a rough time yourself right now or if you just don't want to feel sad. Feel free to vent about your own crappy feelings here, too. :)