Excerpt from an actual conversation in the Fluter household last night:
".... So [Skittish] says that if I take repeated shots of kefir, it'll knock my sinus infection right out."
FluterDude: "[Skittish] is one of the internet people?"
"So one of your random internet people says that if you O.D. on a probiotic your nose will stop running?"
"She's not random. I've met her. But yeah, basically."
"That sounds super scientific, Fluter."
"You're going to do it, aren't you?"
My project for the day has basically been to overdose on fermented probiotics, figuring, "Hey, what's the worst that could happen?" After sharing this project with FluterDude's admin, we googled it: there's a lot that could happen.
At best, it's going to cure my sinus infection. At worst, it's going to be the shart heard round the world.
I had this grand idea that I'd live-blog the descent into probiotic madness, but today is a shit day (not literally - yet!) and I have things to do.
Hour 1: It smells like cider vinegar. It tastes like death. The snot in the back of my throat absorbed the flavor, and now I get a whiff whenever I breathe.
Second shot due in 38 minutes. Skittish, I hate you.
Hour 2: My stomach made a noise which I promptly decided was DOOM SHARTING but in fact, was not.
The second shot didn't have as much of an after-taste. Or else it did, but I'm immune to it, and I've been playing with kefir-breath for the last hour of rehearsal.
FluterDude is standing in my office and we may or may not be pounding the desk chanting everyone's favorite LMFAO song. I need to get this kefir back into a refridgerator but I can't stop dancing!
Last night got a little crazy. There was a thing for FluterDude's job. (Sneaky shots 4 and 5)! Unflavored kefir smells pretty rank, guys, and I was with some of my students and some of his, as well as the band wives. I took secret shots of probiotic like a closet alcoholic.
I did the sixth one at a dinner with his coworkers, around 9:45. At that point, there was nothing in my stomach but sinus drip and kefir, and it was starting to hurt - but I didn't think in a bad poop way.
Suffice it to say, that was the last one. I failed at Project: Kefir Another.
The weird news is that I went to bed snottier than ever. FluterDude is getting sick with the gunge that is going around school, so he woke up coughing in the middle of the night, which woke me up. I was having a hard time swallowing because of the sheer thickness of sinus drip, so I brushed my teeth.
You know that trick, right? You brush your tongue, you cough a little, you hide the offending phlegm in the toothpaste and rinse it down the sink? I did that. And then I blew my nose.
Guys, it had been clearish. At first it was yellow. And then a long, stringy, brown and green thread - I do not exaggerate - it was approximately five inches of mucus, in colors you don't ever want to see coming out of your face - hit the Kleenex. Did it come up from my throat because I blew too hard? Did it come down from the backs of my sinuses? (If it did, lawd. No wonder I've felt lousy. That was some disgusting grossness.)
I haven't taken anything for my sinuses since lunch time yesterday, so even the twelve hour pills have worn off. The pressure I had yesterday is gone. I still have a lot of nose-blowing to do, because there's still junk in there, but it doesn't hurt, I don't have tunnel vision, and I'm not dizzy.
Coincidence or kefir?
Honestly, I'm gonna vote coincidence because I never, ever want to do to that again. (But the next time I get a sinus infection, I reserve the right to change mah mind.)