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Kim Kardashian Hollywood, the World's Most Cynical Game

Do you ever do something "for a laugh" and then you end up investing all of your time and energy into it and wondering where the hell you went wrong?

Me neither. Which is why I'm ABSOLUTELY not playing Kim Kardashian Hollywood and why I absolutely have not been obsessed with my progress (or lack thereof) with the game that I've only had for 24 hours.

Unlike certain people with expense accounts, I refuse to actually spend any of my own actual money playing this game, which may explain why I'm still an E level celebrity and my manager, Simon, keeps booking me at the same damn photo shoot every other hour. How many times am I supposed to react to the background change, Simon? HOW MANY TIMES?


But what I've learned so far from this game is that the makers of it are extremely cynical and probably also hate Kim Kardashian. Or maybe Kim Kardashian hates herself and what she has become (for the record; I do not hate Kim Kardashian. She doesn't seem like she's done anything terrible to anyone, and I find her mostly inoffensive). Because this game is depressing as shit.

- You start off as a no-level person with a shitty day job in a clothing store. Your boss is kind of a jackass, but you should avoid pissing him off (I did not take my own advice) because later you're going to be so poor and tired from going on endless photoshoots and trying to network with people at the bar and you just want to fucking fold clothes again but he won't let you because there's an angry cloud above his head. (Making him not unlike my real boss if he ever finds out how many times I've changed outfits in my game today.) But then you meet Kim! Who inexplicably needs a dress for a party, very last minute! Kim! It only takes 6 dollars to get to Calabasas and your closet of clothes; why do you not just do that? Or maybe Kim isn't at a Level 8 herself yet and therefore can't take the public transpo to Calabasas?

So you give her the dress (maybe this is why your boss has an angry cloud above his head?) and she hooks you up with a manager who doesn't understand how phones work. Fucking Simon.


-Simon books you on a bunch of very low-level, low-paying gigs and you have to use up all of your energy pleasing the photographer (not in a blow job sense, although I suspect this is coming. Pun not intended). Photoshoots are EXHAUSTING. Also every time you complete a challenge, little wads of cash and lightning bolts and fans fall down and you have to go pick them up, because you're an E-list hustler and you have no shame.

-Then Kim offers to set you up with someone more famous than you. I chose to date a lady because I thought that might get me in the gossip pages faster. Do you see how quickly this game has rotted my morals? My date, Michelle, is a writer, and she was pretty nice, except I was too tired from the photo shoot to do any of the date challenges (kiss! Order wine! Eat hors d'ouevres!) so we just sat there for an hour and alternately fluffed our hair and checked out our manicures. I've had more awkward dates, but not many. Then Michelle dumped me, even after I bought her a hoodie as a gift. I took this personal rejection harder than perhaps is healthy. I emailed my friend in all caps "OH MY GOD MICHELLE JUST DUMPED ME AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN LET ME TRY TO CHARM HER WHY IS THIS MY LIFE" and she responded back, "Wait, who is Michelle? What are you trying to tell me?"


(Secret confession: I bought Michelle a hoodie because I wanted her to look plainer than me. I thought that might earn me more points. It didn't.)

- After I got dumped, Simon and Maria (my publicist) made me promote some vodka at a Miami night club. I didn't have very much energy to do anything, and it turns out that taking shots of the vodka only costs 1 energy point, while mingling and making friends cost about 4-6 points, so I just sat in the corner for three hours taking shot after shot of vodka. As a result I'm poorer and I think my avatar's liver has started to go.


- I also went to my apartment for a while because I just wanted to have a nap, but my landlord was just randomly in the middle of the apartment, waiting for me. Apparently I was 750 dollars overdue for rent, so I gave him all the money I had in an effort to appease him. What I should have done was charm him into giving me a week's extension and then just . . . never go back there. However, my inherent honesty has foiled me and now I can't even afford to take the bus to Downtown LA to hang out at a shitty bar.

- Now Kim has found out that it's my birthday, and she's basically forcing me to have a party at a night club in Las Vegas. All I want to do for my birthday is wear sweatpants and watch Netflix, but instead I have to buy a new dress with my hard-earned, pigeon-assaulting money and spend all my energy networking and charming people and probably throwing more drinks on Willow Pape to get ahead in the tabloids.


Life is hard.

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