My eight-year-old is watching The Little Mermaid right now, and one thing immediately jumped out at me on this, my ten-thousandth (approx.) viewing of this film: King Triton, or his unnamed presumably deceased wife, absolutely suck at naming their kids.

Lets go over these names one by one, shall we?

1.) Attina. WTF, this is not a name. Or, rather it is a name - the name of a sixteen year-old divorcee (!) who kidnapped and murdered a U.S. Air Force sergeant. Is that what you really want your daughter to grow up to do, Triton?

2.) Alana. I am convinced that this is not a name anyone gives their child, but instead is a name adopted by people when they decide they want to try and be a pop singer.

3.) Adella. Possibly the only acceptable name on this list. But it gets points off for not going with the normal spelling of Adela. Stop spelling your kid's names all weird just so that they "stand out"! Your kid is the daughter of the mermaid king, she will stand out. Or, if you were so worried about your kids' names standing out maybe you shouldn't have given them all names that start with A.


4.) Aquata. Okay, seriously? Did you just name your kid after the substance you live in? Well fine, I'll just name my future child "Aira" I guess.

5.) Arista. has this to say: "From the root for aristocrat, an upwardly mobile choice that might put a bit of pressure on a child." Yeah, sounds like a good choice FOR A FUCKING PRINCESS.

6.) Andrina. This name wants to be Audrina, but that would just be too normal for you, Mr. Special Mermaid King, huh?


7.) Ariel. What, did you run out of made-up names that both begin and end with A? Way to give your youngest kid a complex where she thinks she's oh-so-special.

Triton: get your act together, man.