So as some of you may know due to my past posts, my sister is getting married! Yay!
I am the Maid of Honor, so that's pretty cool. However, her wedding is in exactly 30 days and I haven't even started a speech.

I am horrible at speeches. I hate writing with the fire of a thousand suns. I can pump out a research or term paper fairly easily, but it's out of pure spite and rage and an intense fear of lowering my GPA. I can't harness those feelings for a wedding. Thinking about the wedding makes me all happy and stuff.

I want to write something great and get a reaction like this:


Unfortunately, It's probably going to turn out horrible and more like Kristen Wiig's engagement party "speeches".

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NOT GOOD GUYS!
I want my sisters wedding to be beautiful and fun and full of lovingness, but I do not know how to write this sucker. What is supposed to be in it? We don't even talk to each other like normal human beings, so it can't be like a letter to her. If it was, it would be full of dumb memories and really shrill shriek-laughing and squawks (it's how we've always communicated <3). She is expecting something classy and beautiful and full of meaning. I don't know how to do that, and now I'm freaking out.

I want the guests to feel like this at my sisters wedding:

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I am so awkward and weird and I have never really been to a wedding where the MOH gave a real speech. Just like pure BS "Omg, I've known so-n-so for so long, and I totes love her! I'm like so happy! As happy as that one time we went skinny dipping in that lake, teehee! But, I'm so excited for you - *cue massive fake sniffles and sobs*"

I wasn't too worried before because the Groom's best man is kinda doofy and wouldn't have given the typical epic best man speech, so I felt like I had some room to breath and have my speech shine through.
WELL!
I just found out last weekend that my sister and her fiance asked their good friend (fellow grooms man) to also give a speech (since the best man is gonna suck and we all know it). THIS IS NOT OK! THINGS ARE AT DEFCON OH-HELL-NAW!

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This guy gave the speech at his and my sisters pinning ceremony a couple years ago and made everyone cry! then he spoke at the graduation ceremony for them and made people cry AGAIN. Then apparently, at work (he works at the same hospital as my sister) someone had to give a speech for something for their group, but he got botulism and couldn't do it, so everyone elected this dude! And he rocked it! At this point I am convinced he is a professional speech writer person.

How do I compete with that?! I am already going to be over emotional and sobby and having to deal with that and the fact that I can't write. Now I am going to be all over shadowed and under all of this intense pressure since I can't do anything near as good as he can.

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So Hive Mind. I need help, stat. I need an awesome, emotional, thoughtful speech that is going to make people laugh so hard they have to pee and then cry so hard that the venue runs out of napkins! I want my sister to feel like this after my speech:

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(I feel like Bridesmaids might be my life right now. I am Annie and that groomsman is Helen. And yes, I have been playing Wilson Philips on a loop and have gotten no inspiration.)