This is how I feel lately:

And this is how I remember feeling a few years ago when I could make it to a gym that I could afford:

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And now that my apartment complex has a stunningly nice gym, I'd like to know where to find a decent workout plan for schlubs who wish to feel less schlubby. I don't run, I have never run, I only plan on "running" on the elliptical and making it make me pretend I'm on a hill.

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Yes, I am, Leo. Thank you for that. I need to know where or how I should go about planning a new workout routine that involves all the cool machines, dumbbells, and elliptical trainer at my apartment complex's gym. Is there a decent website that isn't trying to sell me something about how to build muscle for women or design your own workout? I did try Google, and all I got were a zillion advertisements and condescending articles about how women "can't bulk up so use high weight, low reps!" Even better is there someone who writes about going back to the gym after several years' absence and how to make it less awful for the first month? Or have any of you done this recently and have any advice?