So I came to a conclusion about my weight recently, mostly my past weight. To get to the point, I need to tell a bit of a story.

At my thinnest, I was about 118 lbs. Closer to 121 lbs. And somehow, I convinced myself that was easy to maintain, that I was basically keeping that weight without any work whatsoever. Things really do look so much better in hindsight, don't they? Well I actually got to thinking about it, and I realized that it WASN'T easy at all. It was ridiculously hard. I was working out every single day, for hours a day (doing martial arts) and was watching my diet hella closely, eating exactly...I think 1500 calories...a day and never going over. I weighed myself incessantly and took my measurements every day. I had to revolve my whole life around keeping my weight at 120 lbs.

At one point, I did realize it was too much so I stopped watching my diet so closely and only worked out maybe 3-5 days a week for about an hour a day. At that point, I went up to 135 lbs. Now my boyfriend at the time (now ex, you'll see why in a minute) started dating me when I was 120. It was during our relationship that I gained those 15 lbs. And he never stopped commenting on it. He made me feel like I was HUGE. That I put on so much weight and was disgusting. One of the final remarks from him that made me decide to leave was when I was sitting on his lap, and he grabbed my stomach and said "it'll be nice when you don't have this to grab anymore." Nice, huh? So my 135 lb self though I was a massive whale, which consequently led to a slight depression that made me gain more weight.

I tried losing weight again, but not long into it I hurt my shoulder (I had 2 seizures, both times I fell on my right shoulder and sprained my rotator cuff). Between the injury and utter fear of having another seizure, I stopped working out and gained more weight. I think when I started dating Prince Fluffybutt, I was maybe 140-145 lbs. Now, two years later, I'm about 150-155 lbs.

The Prince has never made me feel bad about my weight. Not once. He never ceases to tell me how gorgeous I am and how much he loves my body, which is something that has helped ease my weight hang-ups. So recently I was looking through pictures of right before me and the ex broke up, when I was 135 lbs. And I was like "holy shit - I was fucking THIN." And THEN I looked at pictures of me at 120 lbs with a less clouded mind and thought "I looked ill. I was SO thin. Why did I think that was ok?" Like, my hip bones and ribs were showing. That's how thin I was. I was healthy and in great shape, but I just felt like my frame didn't like having that little weight on it.

SO, Jezzies, the point is I've stopped thinking I need to go back to 120 lbs and lose 30 lbs to do so. I've decided I want to get back to 130-135 lbs. My first step is 140, which is only about 10-15 lbs, which is hella easier than 30. It's something that seems realistic. And from that point, I'll deal with the last 5-10 lbs.


I think another point I'm trying to make is, people - regardless of who they are - may see you a certain way and convince you to see yourself that way, too. But it's not always the "right" way. I thought for a long, long time that I was grossly overweight when I was with my ex, until I sat down and actually looked at myself from that time. It was a weird revelation. It was one that also made me a little pissed at my ex for making me hate myself so much for no reason.

But in the end, I feel a bit better now. Still want to lose the weight, but I feel less crazy about it now.