Last night I had a minor mental breakdown because I awkwardly left a guy's apartment and essentially told him that I liked someone else. This morning, seeing the situation through a clear brain and with the always great help of Groupthink, I have learned a few things:
- I obsess over making mistakes. I probably should not have blurted out that I liked someone else to that guy. But it's ok because I didn't lead him on. I would not have come to that conclusion myself. I would have run the situation over and over in my brain trying to figure out how I could have done things differently until next week.
- My depression manifests itself in nasty, negative thoughts. I was beating myself up mentally about the situation. I could not think of any positive outcomes (he'll move on, I didn't lead him on) and I thought of myself as the most horrible person to ever walk the planet. I didn't deserve love because of this. Even though this is a normal part of dating. Yes it's healthy to not want to hurt other people's feelings, no it is not healthy to tear myself down for hours afterward for doing it.
- I was afraid that he was going to do something violent. Thinking back on it now, the one major response I had in my head when I was leaving was fear. I was absolutely terrified that because I had rejected him, he wasn't going to let me leave. I was afraid that he was going to follow me down the street. I kept looking back to make sure he wasn't there. I'm not sure if that response is healthy or not.
- It's ok to need support. I texted my best friend right after and she said she was taking me out for booze and cookies and we'd talk about it. I posted to Groupthink. Normally I would be too embarrassed to say anything to anyone. I'd try to work through it on my own. But I was in a bad place, so I reached out. This was a good thing. It's ok to ask for help when you need it.
- I should stop dating other people if I find a guy I like. I really like Ginger Beard. I should have said no when Museum Guy asked me out again but I was afraid of rejecting him.
- I cannot be afraid to ask for what I need/want. My wants/needs are valid and should be taken into account with a partner.
- I am going to fuck up every now and then with this dating business. I'm not perfect. I have never properly dated so there is going to be a big ass learning curve. It's ok to fuck up as long as I learn from the fuck ups. I cannot dwell on them and make myself out to be the most horrible person ever every time.
You guys have been super awesome with helping me through this. Every time I feel like an idiot noob, you guys keep me from spiraling and freaking out. Thank you. Truly, thank you. My depression has tried to take over a number of times but the support I've been getting from you all is truly priceless.
And now, a cute gif for reading through all my nonsense:
ETA: I've tagged all my dating posts with TamsDating in case anyone wants to read about the misadventures of a 28 year old dating noob.