hehe at this ridiculously long post title. I don’t know how to say it succinctly. Lately there have been lots of thoughts floating around in my head and I don’t quite know how to express them, but I’m gonna try. My hope is there’s some people out there that can chime in with similar experiences so I don’t feel so....... Strange.
Many of you know details of my traumatic childhood. Suffice to say, my life for the first 20 years of my life was unpredictable, unsafe, scary, and very sad. I was a very sad kid. You know how people always ask kids what they want to be when they grow up? I remember how that question made me so sad. Cause to me, there was no future. I was stuck in this scary place forever. I just figured I'd be scared and sad forever. I had no understanding of happiness. Anything that was pleasant always had that dark shadow of scariness looming over it, threatening to snatch away any happy feelings any second (and that’s really what would happen).
So..... Now.... I’m 29. I live a pretty nice life. It has it’s ups and downs but all in all.... I’ve got it together. My husband is this funny, sweet, loving man that is my best friend. I am closer to my sister than I ever was before. I have a few good friends. My career is one that I love and find so enriching and I have some pretty healthy hobbies. We’re buying a house (!!!!!!)
somethingI’m happy. I think??? I’m just so scared it’ll all be taken away from me. I have these weird out of body experiences sometimes where I’m just kind of looking at myself and my life and wondering, how did I get here? These positive circumstances were never MY future. It’s like... Too good for me. I was never meant for a happy life. It’s not quite imposter syndrome, which I def also have... It’s else... I’m still not fully explaining my thoughts but I’ll stop here. I’d Love to chat with people who have similar experiences. Thank you for reading.