Since I believe in fashion for all—today I will be saving the menz some fist fulls of dollars.
Let me introduce you the the $455 Dolce & Gabbana Regular-Fit Washed Denim Short.
I'll give you some time to clean up the vomit from your desk. Or don't! I know we all love squalor.
All cleaned up? Good! BECAUSE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS? $455?! I realize that it's Dolce & Gabbana, but really that is no excuse for anyone to be paying that amount of money for what are essentially your dad's shorts from your family vacation to Disney World in 1997.
Let's take a look at the
product "editor's notes" description:
Dolce & Gabbana nods to vintage summer style with these washed-denim shorts, treated for an aged appearance. This pair is constructed in Italy for a laid-back fit and broken-in feel. Team them with a short sleeved cotton shirt and a straw fedora on relaxed summer days. This item is large to size, take the next size down.
Emphasis mine. This is the greatest non-sense to ever be written about a pair of over priced unfashionable dad shorts. I believe they aged them 20 years with the tears of embarrassed pre-teens everywhere. Straw-fucking-fedora? Do we have no sense of decency anymore? Why not just throw in a leather fanny pack and call it a day?
OKAY. I get it. Some people want to dress like this. There have been plenty of articles about normcore (kill it with fire!) and I get that it's A THANG. And who am I to get in the way of you never having sex again? So with that, let's get started on making you the most fashionable-least fashionable person ever to exist on a budget of $10.
If you live at home currently and are over the age of 25 go into the back of your dad's closet and find the pair of jeans that he wears every Saturday. These will cost you exactly ZERO DOLLARS. Extra points if your dad is of generous girth like mine—extra roomy fit! If you live on your own you can basically find this pair of pants at any thrift store for under $8 (unless you live in NYC which I'm sure they will now cost you $80, still a steal!) :
1.You're going to want to cut these babies off at the knee.
2.You can either leave the hem raw or you can hem it (obviously if you want to look business casual in your jorts you're going to want to hem them).
3. Next if you want to do some whisking you'll need a piece of sandpaper or a rock or the bottom of your foot after a long winter—point is, you need something rough. Fucking rub that denim outward from the crotch like cat whiskers.
And you're done! Let's break down the cost:
Jeans (assuming you bought them): $5.25 (average, looking at ebay)
Needle and thread: $1.09
Sandpaper: $2.87 per package
Total: $9.21!!! A savings of $445.79!
Think of all the leather mandals you can by with $445.79! No go out there and repulse people—you've earned it!
*thanks to buzzfeed for bringing these to my attention!*