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Let's Crowdsource Smithwellette's Next Adventure In Adulting!


This is the most spectacularly that I've failed in my life, so I guess, in its own way, it's an accomplishment? Sure, let's go with that. I AM THE CHAMPION OF REJECTIONS. GO ME.


So, now it's time to figure out the next adventure. I can wallow and drink wine, but honestly, I've done that the last two weekends and I already have so many problems with depression and anxiety, that I'm a bit tired of being in the pit, and would like to climb out and take a look around at the scenery.

So as I blink in wonder at the outside world, there's something I am struck by: I fucking hate my job. Like, really fucking hate it, for some reasons that are pretty obvious, and some reasons that are less so. I have organized them into a handy-dandy list because organization makes me happy (COLOR CODING & P TOUCH LABELS 4LYFE, YO), and would like to play the game, "WTF Should Smithwellette Do For Fun & Profit? (But Mostly Profit)":

1. Being in an office in front of a computer all day is pretty much the equivalent of feeling trapped in a prison. Or hell. Just the idea of taking another job where I go to the same place everyday, to sit at a desk, to push paper (electronically) around, and pretend to be chipper about it, is enough to set off an honest-to-God panic attack. I would rather walk over ground glass, while juggling flaming batons, and reciting The Lorax from memory (seriously, all of those things sound like a hell of a lot more fun, and I would gladly learn them before ever taking another desk job). I NEED to be active and running around, otherwise I get inhumanely depressed.

2. If it requires business attire every day, I will probably be unhappy. Let me wear clothes that let me get dirty, get involved, and won't make me freak the fuck out when I inevitably bleed postage ink all over them (like I did with that beautiful black and white - and now red - silk blouse from J. Crew).

3. Make me work with my hands and actually produce something. I feel incredibly useless and superfluous at my job now. What can I say I accomplished when I get home at night? "I criticized the shit out of that script!" or "I had to to be told to my face that my opinion on the racist and sexist POS that a client turned in, didn't amount to squat until TWO OTHER MANAGERS in a higher position agreed with me!" or "I set three meetings today so three of our clients can bullshit with TV executives for no reason at all!" and "I don't even live off 10% of other people's talent! I live off of the minimum wage that I get in a flat weekly rate while being required to spend 50 hours per week in the office and doesn't include any compensation for weekend work, reading, or making notes that will inevitably be thrown away!" Most of the time, the reason why I feel like an unsuccessful loser is that I have nothing tangible to show for any of my work experience. At least when I was a balloon artist at 16, I got to make cool shit like arches, balloon storks and animal sculptures, and once, an entire balloon canopy for the world's tackiest wedding.


4. For the love of God, let me solve problems and use my ACTUAL personality to deal with people. I promise you, I am fucking better at interpersonal communications than you think (and frankly, I'm probably better at it than you, 9/10 of bosses I've had). I'm so, so, so sick of being told that I cannot be myself in a job. That I have to fit some kind of shebot, always cheerful, never challenging, fucking French maid kind of role, here to cater to every whim. THAT'S NOT WHO I AM. I am loud, sarcastic, pretty damn funny, and also intelligent, thoughtful, insightful, and pretty fucking good at turning all of that into a clear message that usually persuades almost anyone I interact with. I genuinely love meeting and talking to new people. I genuinely love helping people. JUST LET ME DO IT THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW.

5. Having a B.S. in film is both hilarious and a fuck of a lot more useful to your organization than you realize. I've worked in a team setting to produce frankly batshit crazy short films and imaginary worlds since I was 18. Every production is basically like working for a start up company. I can translate easily between the tech side and business side, and probably feel a hell of a lot more comfortable with risk taking than most people you interview. I'm willing to fail, pick myself up, and have three more solutions for you in the same time one of your other employees perfects one idea that has to work or omgidontknowwhatilldo!


6. Want someone to be the crazy one who goes first? Please allow me to be that person, and document it and write about it. Sky dive? Sure. Learn how to hang glide? OK. Go on a juice fast and see how long you last on nothing but fucking juice jesusfuck give me some food! No problemo. I pretty much live to do anything that will generate a good story and I actively seek out weird situations JUST FOR THE STORY.

Ok, I've written waaaayyyyy too much about myself now, but...that's what I'm going on. I have no fucking clue how to turn that shit into a job search. Halp?

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