So I’m currently in the giddy bitter fuck you stage of the job search. Just one stop in the endless cycle of:

  • I am so good enough!
  • Why don’t they like me?
  • Wait, you seriously think I can’t copy and paste? What the hell kind of assistants have you been hiring?
  • They’ll rue the day they didn’t hire me!
  • Oh god I’m going be eating cat food when I’m 60, at least they’re using better quality ingredients now?

As I read through the endless re-postings of jobs for which I’ve already been rejected, I also get all the job searcher spam. The stuff that tells you you need more connections/more networking/more gumption but good god don’t you DARE show any actual personality on your profile. Appeal to everyone, be professional be bland!

Yeah. Sure. I get you don’t want to burn your bridges but since mine have all already been set on fire by the recruiters on the other side why the fuck can’t I be truthful?

Some tag lines I’ve been considering:

  • I was raised by wolves. Y’all are barely Scrappy Doo. Bring.It.On.
  • I’m the perfect blend of Radar O’Reilly’s psychic ability, Peggy Carter’s ruthless efficiency and the utter superiority of the Dowager Countess of Grantham. Darlings, you simply don’t deserve me!
  • Yes, I AM old and fat. Weirdly that doesn’t prevent me from doing an exceptional job.
  • Oh honey, no. Step away from the computer and let me do it. We all know you just use that thing to watch porn anyways.
  • Better voice recognition than Alexa at 300 times the price!
  • Pretty sure I was a nun in my previous life. So I’m familiar with your expectations for utter devotion to a worthless cause for shit pay and heaps of abuse.
  • Nope, not a rocket scientist. But let’s face it, you’ll still be shocked and amazed when I un-jam the copier.
  • I do more in my sleep than Congress has done in 6 years.
  • and finally, that gif of Reese Witherspoon from Legally Blonde:

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What would your fantasy profile tag line be? Or your fantasy resume skills?