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Let's Get So Deep We're In The Shallow End!

I (think) I coined that phrase, but what I mean is just talking about ourselves, and how incredibly complex or exceedingly artificial we are. Because, let's face it, we're all our favorite topic of conversation. Well, at least I am. I suppose I need a good old reflecting pool I could stare into all day and indulge myself.

The 'deep': I've got more masks than Venice during carnival. Normally I come off as happy-go-lucky, adorable, and upbeat. I'm quite witty (but not as much as some of the comments I see here-I seriously laugh so hard when I read some of the clever things y'all write!), and fairly intelligent. That being said, I'm actually very broken and don't see myself as very smart. Broken because I've been through a lot (brain surgery, E. Coli, not the most caring environment growing up, etc., wahmbulance time) and I have PTSD and other disorders that are nature/nurture linked. And as far as brilliance goes-well, that's kinda like outside looking in. I seem to be accomplished, but I got to that point by improvisation. I mean, in high school they ran out of work for me to do (basically, the other kids didn't see the connection between 'complete bullshit' and 'getting an A by bullshitting'), so I just cut class, or on my 'therapy days' I left early and smoked cigarettes in the parking lot. Untouchable, that's me. But I feel inadequate compared to everyone else. I still get around things by being 'creative', but somehow I feel like that doesn't fit the mold for the typical intellectual. Also, sadly, I recently learned that you cannot bullshit statistics. But I tend to be more well informed than my friends, so maybe I'm doing something right. Oh, yeah-substance abuse problems. Used to think I was invincible like Hunter S. Thompson. Forgot about how I hid that one behind the mask for 10 years (I'm 22).

The 'shallow': I'm gorgeous. Not in the sense of the 'pretty on the inside and out' way-but I'm an ok person so maybe that applies to me-but more like great hair, classical facial features, and a pretty good body for someone who recently ate cake the past three weeks. It was hard for me to see it for a long time, but now I'm like Johnny Bravo-"damn I'm pretty" (remember him? My god, was that supposed to be satire about misogyny for kids? Well, Seth MacFarlane was involved...). I think-and this is awful-that out of all of my friends, I'm the 'pretty' one. Also, I'm considerably-well off? Part of it is smart and successful parents, and part of it was me. So, I live a bit of a more posh life than my friends. It's absurd to some extent. Kate Spade purses, two pairs of Louboutins (to be fair, I got one pair for $70.00 at an outlet)-materialism at it's finest. Drinks and dinner at classy joints. Staying in five star hotels when I traveled as a kid, which I still consider 'normal'. I don't look down on ANYONE, ever, but I am pretty fortunate.


Ok, so both paragraphs seem incredibly self-indugent, and it all comes off as needing a whambulance or a good smack in the head. But let's just talk about these things. They're hard to admit, which is why I just wrote them down. It may be bitchy to some extent, but at least it's not about statistics. It's more like introspection, and, I guess, accepting everything that makes you you-good, bad, or ugly. Because it doesn't matter if you're in the deep end or the shallow end, you're still in the pool!

Edit: Thanks for all the replies! It's hard to open up, but y'all are awesome folks. Always believe that :)

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