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Let's talk about sex (problems).

I need some groupthink today.

So, boyfriend is fucking amazing. Like, I seriously cannot handle how great he is, and I am definitely falling in love with him. Actually, to be more accurate I am pretty sure I am in love with him, but I have a bad habit of doing that too quickly so I'm trying to...pace myself? I guess that's the best way to put it. And, when I let myself actually see and feel it, he's seems to be just as smitten with me as I am with him.


There is only one problem. The sex problem.

I am used to having a lot of sex when I'm in a relationship. Like, ridiculous amounts of sex. Here's a little background about me:

My most serious past relationship with was with a terrible alcoholic, he was 10 years older than I am, his life had completely fallen apart, the relationship was (obviously) incredibly dysfunctional and I have come to realize also quite abusive. The sex was out of this world. We would bone 12 times on a Sunday. He knew how to play my body like fucking Béla Fleck can play a banjo. Because our relationship was so fucked up, sex was pretty much the only way we communicated. When we were fighting, we would have sex. When we made up, we would have sex. I would come home for lunch and we would have sex. It's been three years since it ended and I am in a much, much better place, but I still have shit to work through. (Doesn't help that I also have ACOA issues I'm still working through because of my mom, as well as a lot of baggage surrounding my issues with my dysfunctional relationship with my father). The guys I've dated since have been relationships almost completely revolving around sex. Some of them fell in love with me, I sometimes thought maybe I felt the same, but I didn't. It was the sex. (And the being loved). I've also had a fair number of partners (I don't count, but I think maybe close to 30? Interestingly enough, I've had very few one night stands, however).


So, now I am in this amazing relationship, and it's so healthy, and that's so cool. But we're having some issues in the bedroom. We've talked about it, because we can really talk to each other about things (which I recognize is what a normal relationship looks like, it's just new to me so it's awesome).

The crux of the problem is that he either can't get hard, or loses it halfway through. When we talked about it last night, he explained that he feels bad because he knows that sex is a big thing for me, but that he just doesn't have the same sex drive that he once did. He said it mainly boils down to him having confidence issues, that he worries he doesn't know what he's doing, if I'm enjoying it, if we should change positions, etc. and then he gets in his head and he just loses it. The sex so far has been pretty basic missionary, I haven't wanted to initiate anything else because I have kind of sensed that he is intimidated with this whole thing, so I wanted to wait for him to get comfortable with us before we started doing anything more interesting.


I explained to him that sex has certainly been very important to me, but that was is so incredible to me about our relationship is that it's kind of the least important thing about him to me. (Pretty sure I said it better). He is just such an amazing person and I just want to be near him. I honestly think that if he told me we couldn't have sex for some extended period of time I wouldn't care. So the problem of the soft penis is not even really about the sex.

The problem is that when he loses it/can't get soft, all my insecurities go into OVERDRIVE. The problem with having sex be all that a relationship is about is that I started to feel, somewhere deep down, that it's all I am good for. I know that I am really fucking good in bed, but it's just about the only positive thing I feel, deep down to be true. And, he looks like an adonis. I mean, I literally have never seen someone as beautifully sculpted as he is. It takes my breath away every time.


And it's important to him. He works hard to look that way.

I have neither the time (law school), nor the drive to spend 2+ hours at the gym everyday. I also have a head full of insecurities with regard to my body. Many people close to me have told me they really think I might have body dysmorphism issues. I guess it's possible.


He knows that I have a lot of insecurities, and he knows that I get all up in my head when his penis decides no more sex. And so apparently he worries that it will happen when we are having sex, because he doesn't want to hurt me, and then he's so busy worrying that it does, and it's just a vicious cycle.

So, like I said, we've talked about all this. We both totally understand what the problem is. In our rational brain parts we get it. But it doesn't change the fact that we both have some serious insecurity issues that apparently come out when we try and have sex.


Anyone have any thoughts? Experiences? Advice? Anything?

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