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Good evening, comrades. I am writing to report on my first day combating the rat menace since I have declared war on them yesterday. I have the weaponry, the righteous fury, and the cunning to defeat them. The People shall prevail!


I received a brand new bb gun in the mail at work today. When it arrived the office manager asked me, "Penabler, did you have a gun delivered?" I'm sure I'm the first person she asked, because I'm the guy at the office that always has embarrassing shit delivered. Previous deliveries included men's briefs and comic books.

Anyway, when I got home I decided to try out my new ERATICATOR. Underneath my house is a crawl way from the front side walk to the backyard. It is long and straight and dark, and made a perfect shooting range to train for night time shooting conditions. This is also the same crawl way that the rats and raccoons use to enter my back yard, so I took a delight in using their highway as tool to train me to destroy them. I wasn't even wearing glasses but I could put a hole consistently through a can at twenty feet, the kill range for hitting my fence from my back door.

I was ready.

I waited on my stairs over the back yard. There are probably 50 different apartments that can see me from their windows, so I crossed my fingers that no one thought I was going to kill anyone with my rifle shaped bb gun. I waited on my stairs, but no rats came. The rat is a clever enemy. I'm sure they heard my gun practice and decided to lay off. I waited outside until I ran out of cigarettes, and had to retreat for the night.


This war is not over. This war has only started.

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