Talking to my mom about my Christmas visit:

Me: If you loan me a car, I can get out of your hair for a few days while I'm there. I can drive up to ___________.

Mom: Not unless I get to go, too.

Me: Ok, but we're going to need separate hotel rooms as I want to hook up with the guy with the big dick. The one whose picture I showed you last summer.

Mom: Jeez.

Me: Hey, you're the one who taught me to be open about my sexuality.

Mom: I suppose I did.