Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery
Illustration for article titled LIST: Unmarketable Skills to Fill Out my Resume

I'm updating my sad, empty, unloved LinkedIn profile. It's been a while, so I'm going to be super thorough this go-round. I'm adding SKILLS! Newsflash to the world: I am a highly skilled individual. Tragically, most of these alleged skills are on the flip side of marketable. (OR ARE THEY?)



  • Prolific Eater. I am an eater of all things. I even eat things that should not be eaten. Delicious things are my favorite.
  • Sentence-Maker out of Arbitrary Magnetic Refrigerator Words. I am a rare talent. Here is an excerpt from mine own kitchen: "My pajamas/communicate/with/God." That's downright existential, using the term existential very loosely. Also, incorrectly.
  • Drinker of Wine. My tastes are cheap and my tolerance is frankly impressive. Charles Shaw is my private vintner.
  • Drawer of Stick Figures. I took an art class in college. I thought maybe I was a secret artist. My GPA never fully recovered from that misstep. Stick figures are my milieu.
  • Brewer of Strong-to-the-Point-of-Undrinkable Coffee. I specialize in a beverage that has been referred to as "sludge." I honestly think there's something to be said for sludge. Or maybe just one thing. That one thing is: sludge is better than a kick in the chest.
  • Watcher of Trashy CW Teen Dramas. I am not a teen. But I used to be one, once. #bragging
  • Selector of Instagram Filters. I am fluent in Hudson and Valencia, and I speak conversational Amaro. I'm currently freelancing, but available for consults.

Your endorsements are appreciated. We can go tradesies, if you want. As far as I'm concerned, you all are highly accomplished international diplomats.

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