I’ve been single for 2 and a half years and this is the first time I’ve sort of wanted that to not be the case. (tbf barring a short term crush I had last year) cut for some mental health talk and general personal life stuff

In actuality, I don’t think this is a good time for me to try and date. My defenses are low. I’ve had a rough go with depression this year, and my main focus right now is handling it and getting adjusted to my career change. I changed meds over the summer and I was starting to make progress in counseling, but I feel set back a bit now that my therapist has moved. I start with the new one a week from tomorrow, so hopefully that’s good. Working out is helping, and I use a meditation app that helps too.

My job is a bit lonely, but I have tried over the past week to seek out my coworkers (the ones I see full time at the satellite office) for chatting and attempts to get to know them better when I have down time. We each have our own separate offices and keep separate hours, so there’s not a lot of face to face interaction that isn’t client-related if we don’t make it happen.

Also, I’ve been sad this week after all the work blowups. I had high hopes for this job. I don’t want to just write the whole thing off and assume it’s going to be terrible from now on, but I am disappointed in the way some things played out. I try to assume the best in people, and it sucks to see it boil down to office drama, gossip, crappy communication, and cattiness, even though I know that’s everywhere. Maybe because I work with a lot of people who have advanced degrees in mental health disciplines, and also because of the nature of what we do, I thought it would be different. I thought people would be more compassionate and transparent. It’s been a wake up call I guess.

I have close friends in the area, and the family that I’m closest to is here in town as well. I’m glad I have them. For the last few weeks, I’ve been wanting to try out meditation classes at a buddhist center here in town, and maybe that could be a source of more connection and like minded people.

I just feel like, with all the stuff that’s been upending and changing around in my life, and the growing pains, and the low parts...sometimes, I really want to come home to someone. I miss being hugged and kissed on a regular basis. I miss sleeping next to somebody. I don’t expect a relationship to solve anything in my life for me. I just miss the companionship and regular contact a lot. Even just someone to text during the day, memes, or what we’re having for lunch, that sort of thing. I have hung out with and talked to friends about all the work struggles this week, which has helped, but damn. I just wanted a hug more than anything and for someone to touch my hair and tell me it was going to be ok. 

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I’m glad I didn’t end up marrying my last serious boyfriend, or anyone I was with prior to him, for that matter. Our breakup was hard, and it took me a long time to process through it. I believe I’ve made the right choice in not getting involved in anything beyond a few dates with people here and there since then. Now I’m 30, and I know I’m not old. And, at least for other people, I’ve never ascribed to bullshit about being past your prime or needing to lock down a relationship when you’re young. I think that’s disgustingly sexist and insulting. When I feel down, though, I have a crappy voice in the back of my head telling me my window might be closing.

Current mental health struggles aside, when I get down to it, I think I’m a good person and have what it takes to be a good partner. I am a good listener. I care about people, just in general. I try to be giving and generous with anybody who is close to me. I am pretty flexible and easy going in most things. I like to try new things and have in depth conversations with people about them. I like to goof off and joke around and all that stuff.

I just hope I’m able to find what I am looking for (which, I could list attributes but I think the biggest one is someone kind and patient, who will be understanding when I say I will need time to open up and be comfortable) once I’m at a place where I’m ready to put myself out there again.