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Losing my damned mind

I need somewhere to put this and I need to be heard and I hate feeling like I don’t have that in my real life. This will be a miserable, whiny, self-pitying post, but I am stuck and wouldn’t mind having outside opinions that might help me move forward.

A while back, Mr.BT and I were fighting and divorce was brought up, but then everything kind of got swept under the rug. You guys were amazing and I really appreciate the support and comfort I found here. Things kinda sorta not-really went back to normal around here, but I can’t really take it anymore. That has been the fight cycle the entire time we’ve been together. For 13 years, fight, no resolution, pretend things are normal until they feel normal again. I haven’t been able to do that this time and things are just building up. I feel like I’m slowly turning into a miserable, pessimistic person when I’ve always been an outgoing, optimistic (if a bit manic), and friendly person. About three months ago, Mr.BT lost his job. We had tickets already purchased to fly to Alaska for my brother’s wedding and ended up just changing the dates so we could be up and back sooner so he could continue looking for a job and start as soon as possible. He was in AK for two weeks and spent a majority of the time on his computer in the spare room at my mom’s house. I was actually surprised that he went to the wedding because my brother is super religious and we’re atheist and sometimes it doesn’t occur to him to let others have their spotlight.

He did get a decent job, today is his first day. I can’t even be happy about it. For the past three months, he’s done just this side of nothing around the house. He would get up, go to the spare room/office, spend the entire day on the computer, go to bed with his phone in front of his face, then claim he had insomnia and ended up on a night schedule. (Everyone is aware that electronic screens stimulate the brain, yes?) So in this three months that he could have been spending time doing things with his family, who he won’t hesitate to use as an excuse or prop, he did fucking nothing. His car sat in the driveway so long one tire went completely flat. The wheels were junk anyway, but buying a whole new set wasn’t exactly high priority. But it had to be done, so that’s a chunk of change that we didn’t really need to spend. Oh, an the registration is expired, so he took my car. It pisses my off to be left with it, but I was going to take his car in to get the inspection just so I could have my car back. It won’t start. Three months to deal with all this shit, and I get left with it and there’s really nothing I can do because he’s our only income, so he has to be able to get to work. Three years of resentment for that car has boiled up and taken over my brain. Who buys a rough-running, two door coupe for a family of four in the middle of a cross country move? Who eats an entire package of string cheese for lunch because they can’t be assed to *make* something? I made my feminist killjoy hat and he says, “Yeah, you can be sometimes.” and I wanted to throat punch him. I’m generally a pacifist. I threw out my back badly a week ago and I still can’t sit down for more than a few minutes. He helped with the kids for two days and wanted all of the figurative cookies for it. Our older son has helped me out more than he has. I’m lucky to have a sweet kid like that, but I don’t want him to end up having the notion that he shouldn’t have to help because he’s a guy.


I hate the example that I’m allowing my relationship to be for our kids. We have two boys and they’re seeing that all men have to do is work a job, then they get to watch movies and play video games and eat whatever the hell they want to. And women have to put up with it. Because what the fuck am I going to do? I worked the same job for 12 years before we moved and I haven’t worked at all in the past three years. I could probably get a job that gets us by, but then I’ll have to shuffle the kids off to one of the worst public school systems in the country. Or I can go back to Alaska and live with my parents and hate myself even more. I wanted to get these group exercise and personal training certifications and work toward having that be my career. I put off my latest training because of the job situation. Just as well because of my back and having to spend over twice the cost of it on new wheels and tires for a car that doesn’t run. Oh, it’ll probably need new brakes too because it’s been sitting so long they’re rusty.

If I get a job to support myself and leave, I won’t be able to do the fitness stuff. It’s not even available in AK if I went back there. Just in this past week not being able to get out because of my back I’ve been eating and drinking a lot more because I have a horrible relationship with food. I’m already the heaviest instructor in the group (I’m certified, but haven’t been hired on, so I don’t get paid yet) and my self esteem is swirling the drain faster and faster, but I take that chocolate and wine serotonin hit so I don’t think about my marriage.

I just want to be happy and healthy and be a good example to my kids and I feel like I have none of that right now and I feel so stuck.

I’m not even going to go back and re-read this. If you’re this far, thank you for letting me be heard.

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