When I’m doing well, I fake confidence like a bamf. I speak confidently, sometimes aggressively. I am eloquent (sometimes), I am passionate, and I trust myself to phrase things in such a way that my point will be well received without anyone taking offensive. (Of course that is not always the case, but when I’m doing well idc and I recover and I apologize when I put my foot in my mouth. I move on without beating myself up, when I’m doing well.)
I am not doing well. I’m falling again. It’s like in slow mo, but my depression and anxiety are worse. It is noticeable, it is worrisome.
And a fun side effect of this is that I can’t speak anymore. I feel like I’m fucking choking on the things I want to say, sometimes. I’ll write things out and then I’ll delete them. I’ll type something on here or elsewhere on the internets and then rapidly edit to remove anything I wasn’t sure about, or I disappear the post before anyone has a chance to comment. I second guess myself constantly, consistently. (FYI, if anyone was wondering, that’s the big reason I’ve been away from the MP and talking less here... can’t trust myself, can’t trust my words. Not sure if anyone actually noticed that I’m disappearing but yeah.) I withdraw. There are very few people, online or IRL, who I am comfortable talking to and expressing myself to, at least about any personal issues.
It is both better and worse IRL. When I socialize in real life and I feel like this, I am (for now) able to get caught up in the moment. I am able to express myself superficially and enjoy myself. And I am proud of myself, for that. I am proud of myself for being able to pretend to be okay and normal and I’m proud of myself for still being able to enjoy myself. But it’s afterwards that I question myself, afterwards that I hate myself. I asked my mom today why anyone likes me, when I say some terribly bitchy things quite often (unintentionally, usually, but I’m very tactless in real life sometimes).
I don’t know if that’s true, but she didn’t dispute my read of things. She just said that the good is good enough that people ignore the bad. (That is not really the answer I was looking for but thanks I guess.)
I don’t trust myself at all. I don’t trust my perceptions of things, I don’t trust my voice. I can fact check perceptions with people I trust, but there’s nothing to be done for my words. There’s no way to trust my words except to get better again.
And what’s worse, what’s so much fucking fun, is that I’m RIGHT not to trust my voice when I’m like this. When I’m not doing well people DO react worse to the things I say. It could be because they pick up on my lack of confidence, and they pick up on my mood, and they react badly because of that. Or it could be because I probably say a lot more stupid shit when I’m depressed because my perceptions of things are much more negative and I’m on a bit of a hair trigger. Either way it fucking sucks and it makes it almost impossible for me to be comfortable speaking up, because I can’t even tell myself depression is lying to me again.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t need advice, I know how to deal with this. I need to swing back up. And I know HOW to get better, I just... seem to be unable to make myself do the things I know I need to do to start feeling better. I just hurt, and I wanted to get it out.
This post may disappear because of aforementioned voice issues.
(Also, this is the first time I’ve swung down since I’ve been off meds. I’ve been on some form of psychiatric medication since I was 13. That’s 12 years. I’ve been doing the same off of them as I was on them (not well, but not terribly unwell), but a tiny voice in the back of my head is terrified that this time it will be worse because I’m not on them. Logically I do not think it will, rationally I am fairly certain I’ll be okay. But I’m scared.)