Okay, this competition over who raises their children “the best” has just got to end.

I have a friend who loves this stuff, and her child’s lunches are a thing of beauty, with veggies and fruit, and lots of cute, little crackers, and a fancy sandwich. And decorated.

That’s nice, if you like doing that sort of thing, but honest to god, can we not with this shit?

Here are my parenting confessions:

1. I roll my eyes at the school’s comments about what is healthy and what is not. Frankly, I don’t think it’s any of their damned business what I send my child to school with for lunch, unless it’s bloody human fingers. Then, okay. Then, they have a point. But, those things about “no cookies or desserts?” Shut up and back off.

2. I have sent my child to school with lunchables. Not often because they are a waste of money, but a few times in moments of desperation when there’s not enough “lunch-like” food in the house, I have gone to the grocery in the morning and gotten one. Processed meats do suck, but I basically lived on baloney and cheese sandwiches as a child, and I’m fine. No one will die from occasionally eating a lunchable. It is not child abuse.

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3. I have no intention of making the lunch fancy. I work. I hug my child. I love her. I don’t need to prove it to her by cutting her sandwiches into fancy shapes. Bully to those who do, but I genuinely don’t have time for that. I’m not craft-oriented either, so it’s just the way it is.

4. I put in vegetables, but she doesn’t eat them. That’s how it is right now. In fact, there are times when I open the lunch and it’s clear she never looked at it all day. That’s the situation.

5. My lunches for her are some kind of protein, some vegetable which will remain uneaten, a fruit, and some kind of crackers or something like Pirate Booty, a name that makes us both laugh. That’s it. She gets water and juice to drink. Our lives move forward. She weighs exactly the right weight (well, 40% because she never eats). She’s happy. She’s fine.

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6. Shut the hell up about lunches and do things like saying, “Hey! Screaming at me is not okay” or “Do not be a bully” or “Time to share” or “Do your chores” or “the restaurant is not a place for screaming and running, special snowflake.”

Seriously.

To those of you who enjoy this stuff, good for you. No anger or annoyance for you, just tired of the judgment of a few. Including the school district, who need to redirect their actions to making sure we have good classrooms and teachers and stop sending home notes about food or body weight.