I got home last night, was ravenously hungry, ate some eggs on toast, and then burst into tears and couldn't stop. I didn't make it to ballet class; I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror. CorgiMan came over and held me while I sobbed, and then we went out for chicken wraps at my nearby wing place, and then after that I started crying again.
Something is wrong in my brain. I don't know if it's inadequate ADHD meds making me distracted and flighty, but I am struggling to eat healthy and resist junk food. But I'm also not doing well with trying to keep this dieting/exercise thing in perspective, and all that self-criticism came to a toxic head last night. I loathed myself. I still kinda do this morning, though I'm determined to try to make today better than yesterday.
Last time I tried to diet and lose weight, things were relatively easy. I knew it couldn't always be that way, but I really didn't expect to struggle so much. I have previously been able to track my meals and feel really good about it, but this time it's a horrifying, mentally destructive slog. And I really have done well with making the gym a habit; I go at least twice per week, not counting the dance class. I plan on going tonight. But a few weeks ago I thought I saw my nice waist coming back, and then somehow it all fell apart and I feel even bigger than I was before. I know that when you start to develop muscle it pushes out from under the fat and can make you feel and look larger for a little while, but oh man is it getting to me. Last night I was just convinced that it would never go away, and that I would never fit back into my nice dresses in time for summer. I know we're barely out of winter, but patience has never been my strong suit.
I understand how people develop disordered eating. I think I do have disordered thoughts about food, and it gets worse when I'm depressed and distracted.
I know that I'm only about three months into this new exercise thing, and that it takes time. I maintain hope that if I keep at it, something good will happen. But right now I just feel so awful about myself. I really am trying but I am not perfect and right now it feels like anything but rigid adherence to a diet and exercise routine equates to failure.
So that's what's going on inside my head. Here is a funny video of a squirrel drunk on fermented crabapples.