I'll probably disappear this later, because it's going to be some juicy MRA fodder and a lot of stuff I need to get out that probably isn't very nice.
I've been in a super foul mood since being woken up to, "I fixed the issue with the computer, you can call Comcast to cancel the internet." Mr.BT just switched us over from Comcast to AT&T and I mostly don't give a crap. But I *can* call Comcast? When he's done all the billing online and I have exactly none of the information regarding our account? Because he can't handle being a fucking adult and talking to a stranger for 10 minutes? I haven't done it. I'm leaving him a note for when he gets up and I plan on being gone until he's at work for the night. It's always been like this. Let's order pizza! But if it can't be ordered entirely online, OR EVEN IF IT CAN, any phone call has to be made or answered by me. Fucking grow up. And while you're at it, put your goddamn dishes in the sink. Take the lids off of funky tupperware so it doesn't fester. If you spill, WIPE IT UP. If you kill a bug, get a fucking paper towel and throw it the hell away.
Since we moved here, for the first time in adulthood, I am completely dependent on someone else. I hate it. Because what I do doesn't bring in money, it doesn't really count. No matter that I'm on call 24/7 with the kids. I do all of the cleaning, house, laundry, dishes, everything. I'm responsible for all of the meals. That last one isn't explicit, but on his days off, I know what the fuck those noises mean if there's nothing prepared that he can just shove in his face. God forbid you actually have to boil some ramen on your day off. Too much work, he'll just eat half a package of string cheese and some tortillas. And leave the rest of the tortillas in an open bag on the computer desk to dry out and not even think that perhaps I budgeted the string cheese into lunch for the kids for the week. Because I also do the grocery budgeting, couponing, and shopping. And I ask what he wants, I leave an active list out with a pen in case anyone needs to jot something down. But it's easier to eat half a weeks worth of yogurt in a single sitting than come up with an actual snack or meal and consider why there might be six yogurts on the shelf. Hint: not for one person's lazy snack meal.
I've never been a guy's girl. I've had guy friends, I get along with pretty much anyone, but I prefer girl friends. It's always been that way. Among my friends, the women have been far less likely to be passive-aggressive than the men. Yeah, I'm sure there are good dudes and catty chicks, but jeesus, it's not fucking universal to gender. But at the same time (eat it up, trolls) so fucking many dudes are so goddamned entitled and I don't want to deal with it. I want to have conversations. I want to actually be listened to. I don't want the other person to feel like there is a last word they have to get in. By and large, those things happen with men way more than with women. I've always been more sexually attracted to men, I prefer sex with men, but I prefer the company of women. I would rather live with women. I find my emotional needs are fewer and easier met with women. I can spend an evening out with my friends and feel happy for it instead of spending an entire day with my husband and feel drained. And he's not even a bad guy! He's generally a lot better than so many men I hear about or have been around. He mostly gets feminism, but will still end up talking over me if he's got a point he wants to make. He's a pretty decent dad, but more and more it feels like maybe I just think that because he's a provider. He absolutely provides for this family, financially. He works a shitty job, with shitty hours, and shitty coworkers so we can have the life we do. I'm unskilled, so I would rather do the budgeting than work to pay for daycare for the younger one and have the older one in shitty public school just so we could have a couple hundred bucks at the end of the month.
But I don't think he has to work like that. He's talked about moving back to Alaska because he left his old job on good terms. His boss, an honest-to-goodness GOOD boss, told him that if we moved back, he could work there again. Because it's somehow easier to move across the goddamn country than update a resume and apply for some jobs.
I'm so sick of this. I want to live on a commune with a bunch of women and kids and goats and chickens. I want a break. All the cleaning and all the child care all the time is tedious. I don't want my kids to suffer from my bitterness.
A lot of this is directed at my husband right now, but the times I've thought about it before, if we were ever to split up, I don't think I would want to have a traditional coupling again. I love sex and the closeness, but I don't want to live with another guy and end up doing all this shit again.
Lots of rambling, I'm still grumpy, but it's out. I'm going to blow off some steam exercising and hope y'all haven't skewered me by the time I'm back. I love you, GT.
ETA: Holy shit, y'all. I worked out some frustration at the gym (that my mom pays for) and talked to kids into Thai food for dinner (with some cash my mom sent me [my mom is the best]) and came back to see all these comments! I'm a little misty here. This was a rant I wasn't expecting too many to read, let alone respond so sweetly. Doubling down on the "I love you, GT!"