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Marital Woes

I've been considering leaving my husband for a while now. It hurts too much to think about it for more than a moment or two at a time - like looking at the sun. It reminds me of helping train a six month old horse: you casually touch it briefly and then walk away. Then you do it again, until pretty soon you have your hand on the back of its neck and it isn't running away. That's how I've been turning this over in my mind.

I love my husband. He is sweet and handsome and smart and he loves me dearly. But he's terrible with money, chronically unemployed, and lies a lot. About little things, because he doesn't want to disappoint me, he says. But it's still lying and I still find out and then I'm not only mad about the topic of the lie, but the lie itself. Owning up to your mistakes when you've let someone down is part of being an adult that I don't think he really gets yet.

He was out of work for the last year straight, and only worked six months in the year before that. It's always someone else's fault when a job falls through and never his. We picked out a beautiful apartment while he was still working - I thought it was awfully expensive but he loved it and we could afford it. Then he lost his job again. So we're paying for this beautiful, expensive apartment on my salary. All of the bills come out of my salary, but he was in charge of paying them. All of the bills are paid out of our joint account except one, one time a few months ago, that he paid out of his personal account - he transferred money out of our savings to cover it, with my blessing. But the payment bounced and... he never repaid it. He told me there was a bank error and that he'd talked to them - that was why we got that letter from the rental agency! It was all taken care of now. Now and then weird things like this come up and he'd swear - back and forth, up and down - that it was an error of some kind and that everything was fine. I wanted really badly to believe him.


It's not taken care of. I just found out that, according to my rental company, we're behind a month and several late fees in payments. He tried a few different stories about how this had happened. What really happened is that he spent it. He spent $2100 of our rent money. On videogames, and junk food, and stupid shit off the internet.

With him out of work for so long, he was in charge of housekeeping. The house is always a mess, I can't stand it. He was in charge of errands and bill paying. That hasn't been happening, it appears. He's so depressed, he says. He's on meds but won't see a therapist. This missing rent emptied out our accounts: our savings account now has $35 in it and our checking is down there, too.

At what point do I need to just say enough is enough? I have a nasty temper (not violent, but I'm quick to anger) and I'm terrified of issuing an ultimatum or seeming controlling. But I don't trust him. I don't trust him with money or the house or with finding long term employment. I want so badly to think that it will change - that this come to Jesus talk will be the one that gets through to him. But I've gotten my hopes up before and I'm so, so sick of being disappointed.

I love him and I can't stand the idea of everything we've done together and been together being gone. I'm crying writing this. But we can't afford counseling and I don't know if I can keep living like this. I just want to go back to yesterday when I didn't know about the money and everything was comfortable and familiar. I want him to hold me and for everything to be as it's always been.


Is this something we can recover from? Do I need to just... go? I have so much going on at work right now and I just can't handle one more thing on top of it. This year has been a nightmare. Do I broach the topic with him so he knows how grave the situation is, or does that just seem like a threat? Have any of you worked through relationship problems like these and been able to trust your partner again? Why is everything so complicated all the time?

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