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Illustration for article titled Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Leave Me Alone

Hell is other people, everyone, though otherwise my July 4 was pretty neat. Just cut out all other people and I would have found things much improved. Some friends of friends had a prime firework-watching area all staked out, and I met this couple I'd heard a lot about for the first time. They just plain creeped me out, the both of them. The guy stands way too close for comfort, flashing his veneers up at you, and saying shit like "Tell me, who is Lucky Frog as a person?" I back away, he steps closer, rinse and repeat.


His wife was even worse with the boundary-pushing, scheming about setting me up on dates within five minutes of being introduced. Trying to sell me on the unfortunate lady she had in mind, she said "Seriously, you two could be brother and sister!" I was like wow, what a ringing endorsement of sexual chemistry right there. Later, I saw something out of the corner of my eye, and when I looked over, she had her phone up and was taking pictures of me for evaluation purposes. She had a nattering Greek chorus of friends behind her who thought all this was hi-larious, so they went on crowing about how those pictures are going to be all over Facebook and she'll never leave me alone. The woman herself likes to do the thing where she jokingly tells you about how single-minded and relentless she is in a way that makes clear she's really being deadly serious.

Grinning and bearing it was my only option, but at least now I know to avoid them like the plague in future. That actually kind of sucks though, because damn can that guy cook a mean side of ribs. Fall off the bone tender, and a sticky, smoky, flavorful exterior with just the right amount of bite. Definitely tasty, but a few minutes with them seems to ruin my appetite.

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