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Maudlin Middle of the Night Thoughts

Fair warning: this post contains much self-indulgence, self-pity, and whining.

I had a job interview the other day and the recruiter asked me what I was looking for. I said stability, which I expect took her a bit aback. But I'm so bloody exhausted existing on uncertain ground and never really knowing which way is up. Since I was very little, I've been the "fixer". When everyone is screeching, crying, or red with anger my job was always to make it better. It's a hard enough task for an adult and a near impossible task for a child but there it is. Of course it's left me hollow. There are a million and one faces I wear depending on the situation, but I've never been sure which, if any, is the real me. Frankly, that was a useful defensive measure at one point. Now it's just a prison. I built so many walls and put up so many locks that I long since lost the ability to free myself. I'm not even sure what being me would mean. I've spent so long on the edges of the world interacting with it in whichever persona was most suited to the moment that it's a habit I don't know how I'd go about breaking. And half the time I'm not certain I want to break the habit because what if the real me is really awful? That would confirm a long held suspicion of mine.

But I'd like someone to realize that I don't actually exist only when they need me. I'd like someone to acknowledge that I have emotions too. I'd like someone just once, to be more thoughtful than I am. Even if sometimes the only reason I am thoughtful is to gain a scrap or two of attention and affection that I don't trust anyway. I'd like someone to understand that every time I've been called the strong one, or the fixer, or the good girl, or the smart one, or indispensable or irreplaceable that I've become all those things by shutting off one more piece of my soul. And that I know damn well they only call me those things because they want me to keep on doing whatever it is they need from me without complaint or compensation.

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I'd like to have sex (not that that's happened in, well, let's just say a long, long while and leave it at that) with someone who actually cares about me rather than with some guy who looked around at the end of the night, shrugged and thought, well, she'll do. I don't believe that's a real possibility but a girl can dream. I'd like to stop identifying with characters in crappy problematic rom-coms because I know damn well how fictional they are. I'd like to stop being such a whiny bitch and just get on with life.

Tl;dr I'd like to flip a switch and make it all better. Well, wouldn't we all. End whine, time for sleep.

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