I don't really like writing posts about my "feelings" as I always have this horrible suspicion that it's somehow going to get traced back to me. But this evening has been pretty harsh, so I thought I would ask for any advice, as I feel like I am losing my mind little by little. Sorry if this ends up being long.
As lots of people here know, I'm living in a country away from home at the moment due to my boyfriend's work. I've been here for nearly six months now (gosh it doesn't feel like that long). The plan was for me to move over, find a job, work here for two years and then maybe for both us to move back.
Six months have passed with me not working for the first time in my life. I took a couple of language courses, but they are very expensive, so I haven't been able to afford to do them full time. I've been looking for jobs, but most of them require fluency (which I am nowhere near), or skills that I don't have (particle physics engineer anyone?). One job came up that I should have been the perfect candidate for, but I didn't even get an interview. Other than that it's been very quiet, partly because of the time of year I guess.
Another job has come up, and even though it's short term (12 months), it would be perfect. But I'm...sort of terrified of applying. For the last six months, all I've been able to think about is how bad I was at my last job, and how idiotic I am. I got good feedback from my boss, but I tell myself that's just because he didn't see the mistakes I made since we didn't work closely together. I worry that the people I worked with directly think of me as some kind of joke. I was a bit of an outcast. I don't think I took the job seriously enough. I'm terrified that secretly everyone thought I was really ineffective.
After six months of not working I am thinking to myself "can I do that job? Can I get up and commute to work everyday? Will I get really complacent and lazy? Will I do a bad job? Do I have a bad reputation already?".
My boyfriend is worried that I am not really doing anything, and will get bored of being here. We are lucky enough not to have needed me bringing in money to run the household (partly because of my meagre savings allowing me to contribute to common costs). I've been doing everything around the house to try and contribute something, so I'm not just some kind of succubus on his life, but I don't feel like it's very much.
I've been ill the last few days, which probably doesn't help matters, but it's getting to the point where I am almost always on my own. Boyfriend works very long hours. I don't want to "waste" my savings by going shopping, or aimlessly wandering around the city getting coffee or whatever. So I spend a lot of time at home. It's very difficult to motivate myself to do loads of proactive things when it's only me here.
I pretty much only see my boyfriends friends, who are all wonderful, but still. This evening it's felt like I'm going insane. I keep realising I've stopped breathing.
I honestly have no idea what to do.