Welcome To The Bitchery

Maybe if I burn off my ears

I'll stop re-hearing this exchange in my head from the grocery store this afternoon:

[In line behind me, an extremely pregnant woman. In line behind her, the Don Juan of our time.] Paraphrased:

Don Juan: "Ah, I see you're expecting. When are you due?"

Pregnant Woman: "In two weeks."

DJ: "Well you look just beautiful."

PW: "Thank you."

DJ: "I always think pregnant women are beautiful. I don't find women beautiful unless they are pregnant. There is just something so magnificent about carrying a life inside you. Men aren't good enough for that, so that's why God made gave this gift to women only."


Oh god, we have a worshipper here. I try not to butt in and tell the guy he is being a creep, but stand on guard in case PW seems to want some backup. And can I just say, if you only find pregnant women attractive, you are a goddamn asshole.

PW: Maybe a smile and a nod? No response but he kept talking.

DJ: "Pregnant women make the best lovers, too. They are just so full of magic."

Can the ears vomit? At this point I am checking out in line so I am trying to listen, not rage stroke on my poor cashier, and get out.

DJ: "I see you don't have a ring on your finger. Is-"

PW: "My fingers are swollen so I am not wearing my rings right now."

DJ: "Oh yes. Well swollen or not, you just glow. I can tell you're just ready for motherhood. You look so at peace."


I want to give her an academy award for looking at peace.

DJ: "I am sort of a photographer" WHAT A SURPRISE" I mostly photograph pregnant women" YOU DON'T SAY "and I would love to photograph you before you give birth."


PW: "Nope, that's ok. Thanks."

DJ: "It doesn't have to be nude or anything. I mean most of my work is nude" YOU DON'T SAY "but you can leave your clothes on if that is more comfortable. Here, let me just get your number..." gets out cell phone.


PW: "No I don't want my picture taken."

DJ: "It would be such a waste of how beautiful you are."

At this point I shoot him a look because she's said no twice now. PW is silent. DJ is silent. I am about to leave the line.


DJ: "Have a nice day."

Share This Story

Get our newsletter