There's one specific...mood related thing? I guess?...that I'm having trouble with. I know you guys aren't therapists, but maybe someone can give some insight?
I'm obviously not ok. Whether it's full blown depression or an accumulation of little stressful things becoming too much, I'm unsure. That's what counseling is for (tomorrow! tomorrow...). But slightly putting that aside, there's something else that's becoming very problematic. I'm fairly certain whatever is wrong with me is making it worse, though.
I spent most of my life playing the game of "if I keep my mouth shut, then everything will be fine." I rarely, if ever, voiced my concerns or feelings for fear of rocking the boat or upsetting people. I just swallowed everything because I wanted everything to be fine. I'm not only talking about romantic relationships - I did this with everyone. Boyfriends, friends, family, teachers, everyone. I just stayed quiet.
After my breakup, I decided I don't want to do that anymore. I realized that my feelings are valid and important and I should be able to speak my mind. Sounds good, right?
The problem is I'm having trouble finding a happy medium between being completely quiet and screaming at the tops of my lungs (metaphorically speaking). I think it's pretty obvious even on here that I'm having trouble with this, considering the way I've been posting incessantly and snapping at people for no reason.* This is beyond me being justifiably angry, which I know is fine. This isn't people telling me I'm overreacting or to calm down. This is people I genuinely care about who I know aren't gaslighting me telling me "I love you but you're not listening, and it sounds like you're screaming just to scream." I'm either 100% quiet and smiling or I flip a switch and see red and just start flipping out, whether it's being angry or crying.
Now I'm sure my being depressed (or stressed or whatever the case may be) is NOT helping this at all. I don't know if whatever is wrong with me is completely causing this or the two things are mutually exclusive, but are becoming worse because they're both happening at once.
I'm going to talk to the counselor about this tomorrow, of course. I just like coming here. I've been hurting a lot of people I care about because I just...snap. Consort, my mom, my sister, my friends. Everyone is getting caught in the line of fire and I feel horrible.
It's not a perpetual state of being, either. It's not like I'm constantly in "I'm gonna yell at everyone" mode and need to lock myself away until it's sorted out. It's like, if someone upsets me or I'm just upset in general and I try to talk about it, I lose all filters and get incredibly emotional and flustered, and then it tends to spiral into arguments with whoever I'm speaking to. I just can't find a balance lately and it's becoming a big problem.
Anyone else on here deal with this before? Like I said, I'm obviously going to talk to the counselor I see tomorrow about it as well, I just wanted to come here and talk to you guys first. I feel like a volatile nut job lately and the only way I can stop it is if I keep my mouth shut entirely. But the second I even attempt to say "I'm upset because..." I get lose it. All tact goes out the window, and that's obviously not good.
*I'm sorry. I love you all so much, and you guys are amazing and supportive and I'm lucky just to be a part of this community. Please believe me that it's none of you - it's me. Something is wrong, and I'm so, so sorry for anyone who became collateral lately. You don't deserve that at all. I'm trying, guys, I am. I'm hoping this post explains why I seemingly go from perfectly ok and talking about Dungeons & Dragons to 5 posts in a row about how I'm crying and miserable.