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Mehhhh, I'm so pathetic

Super rambley, I apologize. Grr, I kinda fucked up last night in the sense that I was a loser bitchy weirdo in front of my boyfriend's friends, some of who I have met before on more than one occasion. Basically, my boyfriend invited his hometown friends over last night since everyone was back for the holidays. I was pretty excited for the night, but then I just kind of shut down in a really weird way.

I'm super shy. I have worked hard to get to the point I am here and now with how I am in social settings. I've always had problems with feeling intimidated in social settings, but I worked on it a lot in college and have the potential to be really awesome at conversing and listening. So this was so weird for me because usually, I am so much better.

Like I said, I was fine until people came over. And then I just felt awkward and whatnot because I didn't really have anyone to talk to there except him, and they were all guys. I acted so embarrassingly apathetic and dumb because I just sat around on my phone and didn't attempt to really talk to anyone. I didn't even drink any sort of alcoholic beverage, despite the fact that I wanted to. I already feel so stupid about everything that happened, so please realize that I know that how I acted was absolutely ridiculous.


I apologized to my boyfriend afterwards and today as well. I was like, "I'm such a loser," and I cried. He was really nice and understanding about it, so I'm thankful about that. He knows I'm really shy, but I like I said, I shut down yesterday and couldn't get out of it. I couldn't snap out of it until the end of the night when I calmed down more, but by then, mostly everyone had left.

Anyway, ugh, I feel awful and crazy and gahhhh, what's wrong with me? I can be social and outgoing if I try. But something happened to my mood yesterday, and it felt like my personality got switched off and I was in a bad mindset or something. Sigh.

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