Hi GT. My depression is kicking my ass this morning. I just need to get some stuff off my chest. Also, please feel free to use this as an OT for your own mental health concerns or to talk about treatment, therapy, medication, or to ask questions.
So the past few months have been pretty rough on the mental health front for me. I think it’s a combination of things:
1. My minor in college in counseling, and I’ve been required by my classes to be in both group and individual therapy on a bi-weekly (for solo) and weekly (for group) basis. It’s good, and I feel like I’ve gained some worthwhile awareness, and I understand the need for it, relevant to my chosen area of study. However, the other side is that a bunch of crap is getting stirred up, and it’s taking its sweet ass time getting settled.
2. It’s that time of the semester. I have three major projects due, stress aggravates my depression and anxiety, etc.
3. I’m lonely and I’m broke, and depression makes it harder to get out of the house, I’m lonely because I don’t go out much, snake eats its tail, etc. I know there are meetup.com groups in my area, and I’d like to get involved with some when I’m done with school. Right now it just feels like I don’t have the time or funds- my first order of business in May is to start looking for summertime work. Hopefully once I find a job I’ll make some connections there, and at least be able to afford going out to visit with friends since I’ll have more money for gas and social outings. I guess I am just biding my time and trying to stay focused on class work until then.
4. I have a major crush on one of my instructors, a grad student, and I want to ask him to coffee after grades are posted. I’ve really tried to not focus on it too much, but I see him basically every day M-F, and he lives in my apartments as well. I’ve written about it here before, he’s single and we are close to the same age. I know it’s theoretically not a big deal, but I’ve got some hardcore butterflies. When I crush on somebody, I tend to crush pretty hard. I’ve even joined a couple of dating apps to try and put my attention elsewhere, but no one has really caught my eye so far. He’s graduating with his doctorate this semester, and I did get him a congrats present- a best wishes card and a pound of nice, locally roasted coffee. Class is technically over next week, so I’d like to give him the gift then, but I am SO NERVOUS, GAAAHHHHH. Grades aren’t posted until mid-May and I don’t think it’s right to ask him to hang out until that’s been completed...seems like it would create some weird dynamics to ask him out and then he’s still got my grade to put in. I dunno. I’ve been single for a year, I’ve been out on dates with a few people, but it’s been awhile since I met someone IRL that I really felt an interest in and it’s kind of scary. But, I think I’ll regret it if I don’t at least put myself out there. Even if we just met for one drink I think I’d be thrilled. I know it feels extra scary and risky because it pushes on my “stuff”, as it were- past hurts, etc.
I know I will probably feel a lot better when the projects are turned in, after I hand over my gift and class is over, and I can focus my attention on summertime things. I just needed to vent somewhere other than my notebook.
One question, and maybe this seems like a silly thing to ask, but...I think I worry a lot that my feelings around romance and/or crushes are clouded or that my judgment is skewed, because of some of my past. Just, in short, my guard has been way, way, up for a long time. All the therapy I mentioned above? That’s the main thing I’ve been dealing with. Being vulnerable and letting myself have feelings about this is a new thing. So- when you have a crush, do you feel like it takes over your brain a little sometimes? I just feel weird sometimes, like I shouldn’t feel this sucked in by it, but it’s that very high school feeling, where I get really distracted by it sometimes.