So, I have to tell you guys about my messed up dream that I had during a nap, mostly because I have no one to talk about it with. Possible tw with pregnancy/babies/infertility after jump?
So, I've been having trouble trying to conceive for nearly three years now. I've had a lot of fucked up dreams about babies. I dream about having a baby, but I forget them like in trainspotting and they die from neglect, one time I put a baby in a plastic bag while I was riding a bike and when I opened the bag it had turned into cooked mush. My dream babies are always abnormally small, little things that can barely fit into the palm of my hand. Sometimes they are blue or gray. I'm always a bad, neglectful mother. I think this is because I feel like my infertility is my fault, and I can't tell anyone in real life. I literally have no one to talk to. Sometimes I feel like the universe is punishing me or there's really a God and he's punishing me or something. I've discovered that it's no good talking to people about this because they cannot empathize. I actually had a fucking DOCTOR pat my hand after a hysterpingogram and tell me that I just needed to be patient. If you ever tell an infertile woman that she just "needs to be more patient" or "she just needs to relax" you are a jerk. End of story.
So tonight I dreamed I was at a party at my rednecky cousin's who live down the road from my rednecky parents. We were having a rednecky good time drinking copious amounts of liquor around a big fire that had probably been started with a tire. Suddenly, I decide I need to walk down to my house and take care of my baby!? For some reason my husband and I lived with my parents. I get there, and decide I can't leave my baby here by herself after I left her here for several hours by herself! So, I start searching the cupboards from some enfamil, and every single container is rotten. How have I been such a shitty mother that I let my babies' formula rot and get full of bugs? So, I determine that I need to go to walmart for baby formula before my baby totally starved to death. While I put the baby in the car seat, and try to convince this girl to drive me to walmart, there is this big fucking crash outside.
So, like, I look outside and these MadMax looking dudes are trying to drive this huge millennium falcon looking spaceship around my parent's field. But, like, they can't figure out how to turn off the cloaking device/invisibility drive and they can't get it up in the air. So suddenly I'm at the road near this long hedge of lilacs near my mom and dad's driveway, and there are cops there, but NOT because there are random dudes with a spaceship in my backyard. People are trying to burn my across-the-street neighbors house! The cops are talking into megaphones at these dudes talking about how they should have some goddamn respect for the people who used to live there. So I walk up and I go, "Excuse me, officer. EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME OFFICER THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH A SPACESHIP IN MY BACKYARD WRECKING SHIT." The cops are like, "Oh." And then they go shout at the people in my backyard with their megaphone.
Suddenly I am in a waiting room with my husband and our baby, and this random old man with a german accent offers me a job talking care of him. And I go, "I can only work twenty hours, and I have to bring the baby with me." Because apparently I'm done being a bad mother and leaving my baby to starve in a crib while I party? Anywho, then I woke up.