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Mine Eyes Have Beheld the Glory

So, has anyone else tried those new Sweet Onion-flavored Triscuits? Because I'm reasonably certain they are made out of rainbows and unicorn giggles. I'm pretty sure I would sell my first-born child (if I had one) for these things. They really need to change the name from "Sweet Onion-flavored" to "Box of Cracker Rapture." These things should be used as the cornerstone for formulating a lasting peace in the Middle East. All hatred of the US worldwide would disappear if we started freely distributing these crackers to any country that doesn't like us. These crackers could make Vladimir Putin giggle. Eons from now, when the cities are but dust, the Walkers of the Wasteland will speak in hushed, reverent tones about The Glory That Was, and how the Gods themselves grew jealous of humanity's finest creation, and so began The Great Doom.

I really fucking love these Triscuits, is what I'm telling you.


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