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Minor Car Accidents: A Personal History

Dear New Orleans: Stop running into my car. No really. I mean, I hold some responsibility for these accidents, but really the percentage is low. Today was my third car accident in a year. I'm fine - I got sandwiched when I was rear-ended and then ran into the person ahead of me when I was stopped. Not my fault, and it's first one in this car. Everyone is fine. My car has the most damage and it seems reparable.

Some of you may recall I have a tendency to go on rants in support of speed cameras, or hating aggressive drivers. I drive like a goddamn grandma and I'm fucking fine with it - and you'll see why.

People move to New Orleans and are caught off-guard by the insanely high car insurance prices. Let me give you a timeline of my personal car accident history since I moved here in 2007.


2007: Rear ended. No visible damage of any kind, but the person jumped out of his car, begged me not to call the cops, and paid me $1000 in cash.

2008: Mutual fault accident on the Crescent City Connection - a highway-speed bridge over the Mississippi. I was in the right lane, she was in the far left lane, we merged into each other in the middle lane. She screamed that she was going to sue me, calmed down as we waited for the cops, and once she learned I was working for a non-profit which is associated with a Christian organization, she kept telling me god bless me and that I was a good soul.

2008 again: It was Baby's First Hit-and-Run! Just parked outside my house. Looks like someone pulled out of a nearby parking lot and took out part of my bumper.

2010: I had BOTH my rear-view mirrors taken off in the same month. Once while parked at my then-boyfriend's house, once while in a small strip mall parking lot. Both hit-and-runs during broad daylight.


2011: Rear-ended on the Interstate at high-speed. Spun out, hit a guard rail. Miraculously, my car was not totaled, but the other was. Miraculously, also, no one was hurt other than minor bruises and whiplash.

Also 2011: Side-swiped in the Whole Foods parking lot. Another hit-and-run! Based on how high up the swipe was, I'm pretty sure it had to be one of those Trophy Wife Assault Vehicles.


2013: About this time last year, a drunk driver ran a stop sign and t-boned me going at high speed on small, residential streets full of potholes. He attempted to run, by going the wrong way down a one way and side-swiping a line of parked cars. I can only hope that motherfucker is in jail for that shit. Thank goodness there were no pedestrians around.

2013 again: shortly after the damage from that one was fixed - last June, to be exact, I pulled out trying to turn left across a busy road and did not see that someone was coming. This one is fully my fault, and it totaled both cars. A three-year-old went to the hospital (but she wasn't in a damn car seat!). I felt shitty for months, but everyone is ok.


2014: And today, I am stopped in traffic behind someone on a road where you can't go more than 30 realistically, and someone hits me. Then I hit the person in front of me. I was sandwiched between two monster SUVs. It looks like my car is not totaled.

Unbelievably enough, this EXCLUDES car accidents (three - NO FAULT OF MY OWN) I had in South Carolina growing up and then in college. I am concerned that there is a curse upon me.


There you have it. A boring story on a Friday night about how I attract car accidents.

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