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TW depression, breast feeding issues

This weekend we finally thawed out the remaining three bags of breast milk I had left from December when I quit pumping. I made the big bird feed her it because I was really scared she'd reject it after not having had breast milk in two and a half months. She ate it and now it's gone. I feel really silly for still being so raw about this. I still have to avoid breastfeeding articles on Jezebel. If a GroupThink post casually mentions breastfeeding I seethe internally with jealousy that even though they are in pain/sick of feeling like a feed bag, etc. that they were able to breastfeed their babies. And I failed. I can't help but think stupid breasts, stupid body, stupid me for thinking I was cut out for this. I try to repeat to myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of in having postpartum depression. But I don't fucking believe it for one second. It's a source of shame for me, a glaring reminder that I am not maternal, I am not mother material. My husband is a better mother than I am. And I know it's the 21st century and I should be okay with that but the truth is society isn't, my husband isn't, I'm sure as hell not.

I'm just so sick of feeling like a failure. Like I'm broken. When does this get better?


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