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Monday or whatever day it is OT

Talk about whatever. Here’s my thing today: I have been having some struggles fueled by my self-employment. It’s been just over 2 years and in the first year I was really disciplined about having a schedule and saying yes to invitations and not turning into some sort of maniac like I was warned about. Year two...things kind of devolved into chaos and now I take no days off and all my relationships are suffering. And every time I do force myself to take time off, I spend the whole time feeling guilty about it and it stresses me out rather than re-charging me. I’m having a lot of trouble shaking this.

I also am very outgoing but probably consider myself an introvert, so if I have free time, I want to spend it quiet and alone, except there’s so little of it I’m kind of...always alone (except w/ my husband). The number of days I can go without leaving the house (except for dog walks) and not really noticing has gotten ALARMING. I’ve managed to maintain self-care (eating well, etc), which is helpful, but it started to slip and I caught it early.

I saw a friend last night who started her own business a few years ago, and the joke is no one ever sees either of us (and then we get a bunch of shit about how we don’t have a “real schedule” and why can’t we make time), and it was really healing to talk to her because her life appears to be SO glamorous (it’s part of how she sells her brand, so it’s not exactly a surprise that a peek behind the curtain shows more), and she still goes through this same shit I do. 

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Anyway, sometimes it’s the reason I end up commenting a lot on the internet, because I’m taking a break or something in the day and no one is on my schedule and I feel super isolated sometimes. I can’t go to a break room and get a cup of coffee and check in with a coworker or something.

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