LONG POST ABOUT PERSONAL ISSUES AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. THERE WILL BE GIFS.
I made the decision, with Therapist's support, that I'm not doing any dating until divorce papers are signed. I just don't feel comfortable doing it before that, even though I'm ready NOW in many ways. It just doesn't feel "right."
We talked about how I can't really read men, especially whether or not they're interested in me, and we're going to work on that, somehow, evidently. I have NO IDEA how such a feat will be accomplished.
Therapist says he still hasn't quite figured out my personality, which is not a shocker since neither can Myers Briggs. He wanted to know what Asshole complained about related to me, and while I listed off everything I could think of, evidently they were not particularly illuminating as to MY issues, only Asshole's. One complaint he couldn't understand: Asshole used to fuss at me for being too harsh with the Bots when I used my "mommy voice." Therapist looked really confused and said, "Too harsh REALLY doesn't sound like you." And he knows I work with kids ALL THE TIME, which means I get observed working around kids and interacting with them ALL THE TIME.
He says I need to find friends I can discuss intellectual things with, which is true, but I'm not too worried because when I start grad school (eventually) I'll be inundated with more intellectual than my poor brain can handle, and in the mean time I am building relationships with people around me who I can talk smart to.
I haven't talked much about Schroeder, but Therapist keeps bringing him up, and is clearly on the Shiny/Schroeder ship. He wants me to talk to one of my choir members (a woman about my age who works in his office) about him and get her to be my spy and feel him out for me. (facepalm) I already have a choir member who is a HARDCORE Shiny/Schroeder shipper (and who is the only one who knows about my crush) who told me last week that she thinks Schroeder has been taking more care with his appearance lately. And that she also thinks he's been doing it to catch my eye. I'm a dumbass, so I got all flustered and told her there's no way he has any interest in me. Yeah, not really a step forward. And I'm starting to suspect more irl people around me of being on that ship and it really makes me uncomfortable because I feel like I'm revealing waaaaay too much in body language and stuff.
But I'm actually doing pretty well on the making friends front — I was invited to a party on Saturday by a college friend, and I'm going. Asshole would have found a way to convince me not to go and feel guilty about wanting to, and by a couple of years ago I would have convinced myself not to go without his help. So, some progress, yay?
But now, for the past few nights, I've been having these dreams that are really not helpful. I've been dreaming about Schroeder — not sexy dreams, just normal, every day life dreams. And in the dreams, just when I'm all happy and being normal with Schroeder, he turns into Asshole. Yeah, not really hard to interpret that one. Ugh, Subconscious. You are being very underhanded lately. You really know how to kick a girl when she's down.