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More Crusty Dildos; I Could Not Make This Shit Up If I Tried

So, the Dongbearer apparently resurfaced again today, and called our former landlord at work (his cell phone is, I guess, still on) — oh, quick update first: apparently, he found her yesterday by waiting at the Metro stop that she takes to get home (this is when he claimed the amnesia defense). Anyway, today he called her work, and apparently threatened to sue her over allegedly not fixing things when they broke, as well as allowing his roommates to sell his (illicitly-acquired) property.

I'm going to give you all a minute to let that sink in. He, who did not pay rent for close to two years and who forfeited the rights to his property when he did so, threatened to sue the person who had pursued and acquired a lien against him. Now, correct me if I've suddenly gone insane, but in order for him to actually sue her, wouldn't he have to a) have a place of residence (at which point he'd be arrested at said place of residence), and b) be willing to show up in court (at which point he'd immediately be arrested)? Also, can a wanted fugitive even legally file a lawsuit? My brain hurts.

This is getting so bizarre I'm starting to wonder if I've dreamed the last two weeks. Like, seriously, this shit doesn't happen in real life, does it? This can't be a thing. Every single time I think we've reached the apex of the crazy, some new even-more-batshit thing happens. I just want to do a quick recap of all of the things this story has thus far contained:

  • 15 months-worth of unpaid rent
  • A drawer full of crusty dildos (NEVER FORGET)
  • A dishwasher he apparently ripped out of the wall months ago in a fit of anger (this I didn't know until today)
  • The Amnesia Defense attempted while creepily stalking the person he owes tens of thousands of dollars to
  • A rap sheet on the Maryland Judiciary Case Search website with 16 entries in it (a full five of which are for failing to pay either rent or car loans)
  • A warrant for Federal Tax Fraud (in addition to who knows what other charges will be levied)
  • A wanted fugitive threatening a lawsuit to the person he owes tens of thousands of dollars to

My friend (the one who's kept me updated on all of this) told me I should write a novel about this, but I feel like if I did, it would get dismissed for being too unrealistic. I feel I need, thus, to stress that I am not making any of this up. This is all true. If you need proof of this, consider that I am not nearly talented enough to write this — hell, William S. Burroughs couldn't conceive of a story this crazy. This has officially eclipsed this story as the craziest fucking thing of which I have ever heard.

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