More Tales from the Internet Dating Abyss

I haven't written an update in a while... Here's a select few of my recent messages:

The following is a Facebook conversation with an acquaintance. The first chunk is the original conversation, from early May. He contacted me again this afternoon. This dude (we'll call him "R") is a former roommate of my roommate's fiance. He briefly dated another woman in the inner circle (I'm more on the outside of this bunch) and apparently cornered her a couple of times after they broke up โ€” I don't know the details, but it was bad enough that no one left him alone with her anymore. He's a high-functioning alcoholic. We've talked maybe a handful of times, but we're Facebook acquaintances because of the social overlap. When he messaged me, I knew something was up... The only other time he ever facebooked me was a drunken mistaken identity.

Without any further ado...

May 1:

R: hi [LL], how have you been?

LL: haha hey [R], what's up? I'm good

R: pretty good

I'm just wrapping up with school, and graduating

....finally

LL: congrats! super exciting

R: ty . I'm just more looking forward to working rather than school now tbh

i like to be straight forward and honest about something

LL: ?

R: oh sorry, fb is acting stupid

I saw your profile on a hookup app.

I forgot which one, but I'm looking for someone to hookup with. How do you feel about it?

[[Ed. Note: I was over-nice here, because I'd rather not make waves when our circles overlap, but there was no chance in hell I was ever sleeping with this guy.]]

LL: Haha oh Tinder

I'm using it to date

A lot of people do, actually

R: oh, the vibe I get is that it's a hookup app

or the hot or not one

LL: Haha it is, but a lot of guys actually specify in their little blurb "hookups only" or "looking to date" etc

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R: hmmm, ok. Right now, I'm sort of in the whatever category, I don't really care atm

Just want to primarily focus on working

LL: I'm really flattered, but I don't think we're a good fit as personalities

R: Ha, I know. Which is why I ask for a hookup. Plus tbh, I think you would be odd for me for a serious relationship

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old*

LL: Dude, I'm one month older than you

but yeah, anyway, not really looking for just a hookup

good luck with Tinder, though!

R: ty, and I mean like I would prefer 2/3 years younger than me

Have a good day

[[This is super creepy, knowing his personality and his previous dynamics. 2-3 years younger is college freshmen and sophomores... He's deliberately seeking 18-20 year olds, and I'm too old at 1 month older. Ugh. Much incredulous texting with the roommate erupted. But there it ended... Until today.]]

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June 16: The gloves have come off, because I don't have time to pussyfoot around this again...


R: Hey, [LL], how have you been?

LL: What do you want, [R]? You'll have to pardon me for being skeptical, but the last time you messaged, you wanted sex and then told me I was too old to date

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R: Wooh! I just saying hi. I'm just tired from work is all.

Plus you're not not too old to date haha.

LL: Your words, not mine

And if you don't want something, I don't really know why you would message me. It's not like we're particularly friends.

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R: Hmmm, I just mean it's different from the norm. I'm sorry if I offended you, I take it back

Well sorry if you feel that way

Cheerio

โ€”โ€”- And thus ends Saga #1...โ€”โ€”โ€”

โ€”โ€”โ€” OKC DUDE โ€”โ€”โ€”

He was conservative, anti-abortion, and believed women were obligated to shave their legs. But I was bored, and so I trolled.

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Dude: Marry me

LL: haha only if you sign a dreadfully unfair prenup in my favor :P

Dude: How dreadfully?

LL: Pretty terribly so. I'd probably walk away with everything. It only makes sense if we're rushing in, you know?

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Dude: Hm

I think I'd want a term commitment of 50 years, but I'd sign that.

LL: 50 firefly years?

Dude: 50 times of the earth revolving around the sun

But we could watch Firefly 50 times or more during that time

โ€”โ€”โ€”Now for a good one:โ€”โ€”-

Tinder Dude #1:

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Unfortunately, we never did have that date. He works weekends, and I'm only in town on weekends until August, when I move back full-time.

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Tinder Dude #2:

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And there it is, folks... More updates to come soon.