I just drank a lot of wine while waiting for the coconut oil in my hair to soak in (one hour right?). I wasn't intending to drink so much, but it was a dry-sweet blend that was like the grape juice we used to drink for communion at my former church.
In the spirit of this wine, and the rain which has kept me from my current favorite activity of sitting on my front stoop, reading comic books and saying hello to all the dogs (and their people) who pass by, I want to write some - shall we call them - confessions!
-Religion is not my thing (she writes as her first confession). Even raised in an Evangelical Church, I don't know if I was ever a True Believer? I mean, I knew all the stories and I prayed every night. I was the epitome of a Good Christian Kid, even in college. I was a small group leader. I led mission trips. But. I don't know if I ever truly, truly believed. I prayed out loud and felt silly because I felt like I was praying to the ceiling. I memorized Bible verses that rang hollow. I read the Bible and...got bored. I think I was a heathen from the start.
-I met a new guy at work the other day and...oh boy haha He's so handsome in the best unconventional way (I seem to have a thing for larger-than-average noses), and when he smiles, my knees weaken. I'm so twitterpated over him. I just like looking at him. (And maybe he likes looking at me too, I caught him um respectfully checking me out as I walked past his desk.) BUT nothing will come of it for now because of the power differential between our respective positions. It's not huge, but it's enough to make me not want to go there.
-I use "hella" unironically. I also say "dude" all the time. Living in DC, I seem to have picked up "y'all." I don't currrrr. I do what I want.
-It rained today. I've had "Little April Showers" stuck in my head allll day. It's made me want to watch Bambi.
-Speaking of things to watch, Daredevil. Oh my lord, I'm only 2.75 episodes in and I love it. Charlie Cox in those round glasses? Rosario Dawson? Hell yeah. His voice is like using my fingers to eat a bowl of warm, melted chocolate. ETA: now they're making out and I can't tell if I'm more jealous of her...or him. But whew.
On a serious note:
-I've decided to own myself. My body, my work, my intelligence, my worth. Maybe it's superficial but my haircut was transformative. It was something I never thought I could "pull off" because I wasn't cool enough...but I am cool enough and I do pull it off, with gusto if I say so myself. It's freeing. I don't apologize for my funky hair, so why should I apologize for my loud laugh or my nerdy interests or my body? I still have moments where I feel terrible about myself, sure, where I retreat into my impenetrable shell, where I experience crippling self-doubt but I also have more moments of great confidence. I own myself.