TW: Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Abuse
I don't mean for this to be an attention-seeking post at all, I just need to get it out so I can try to move on. It's early (at least, it is here), so I understand if no one feels like reading such a debbie-downer topic now.
How do you deal with being a sub-par person? I really, really hate it, but I'm also incapable of making myself be any better. There are days when I feel like a colossal failure on pretty much every front, and the days that I don't feel like utter denial. I literally have nothing good going for me. I'm terrible at my job, despite the fact that I try and try to give my all and do a great job. I suffer from crippling perfectionism. It seems like a cliche answer to a shitty interview question, but it's actually true and a definite weakness. I get so anxious about some things that I'll avoid doing them for as long as possible, and then I feel weird about doing them because it's taken me so long.
I have about 5 friends that I see regularly. All of them are in relationships, so I'm definitely not anyone's priority. I spent the former part of the week isolated, working 11- and 12-hour days, and the latter part deserted by friends who were either out of town or holed up with their significant others, or both. The first couple of days of being alone were somewhat bearable, but my sense of loneliness keeps getting worse and worse. It's a nice little preview of what my new life will look like when almost all of them move away in a few months.
I loathe admitting it, but the end of my relationship with my emotionally abusive ex is still hurting me because 1) my deepest fear that no one else will love me or find me attractive is proving true, and 2) I can't manage to fully convince myself that I didn't deserve everything he did to me, or that the bad things that happened in our relationship and the subsequent breakup weren't my fault. Every time I mess up I'm reminded that this is my punishment for being a bad person. There's such guilt and shame in my heart, and guilt and shame for feeling guilt and shame, knowing that I intentionally pushed away someone who loved me more deeply than I'm apparently worth loving, no matter what he did, and I should have just accepted it.
I've been trying to distract myself from my angst by doing personal "projects" like getting more into cooking, and eating healthier, but sometimes it only reminds me of the ways in which I don't measure up (no pun intended). I end up feeling deeply dissatisfied because I'm not good enough at cooking, and because my body doesn't look how I want it to look. And then I'm reminded that I'm only doing these things because no one else can be bothered with me and I pretty much suck at everything else.
And, of course, now I'm wasting time posting on here instead of tackling the work I have to do, because I can't stand not being as good as I should be and I don't want to deal with it right now. And because I can't stand being alone for another second.
Sorry for the whiny post. Thanks for reading, if you did.