I don't talk to my mother or her family except once in a while. I last saw my cousins, uncles, great-grandmother, and great-aunt and uncle almost 16 years ago. My grandmother came to visit us over a decade ago. My youngest cousin is in college now, one uncle has since died, and I'm currently friends with one cousin and remaining uncle on facebook. This morning, right before going to work, I saw a post by my cousin about sitting in the ICU with her grandmother on life support. I immediately messaged her to find out if it was our shared grandmother, which it was, of course. At 2:30 this afternoon, while sitting in a room full of sleeping two-year-olds, I got a text that my grandmother had passed away.

Since I am the only one who talks to this side of my family, I got the responsibility of spreading this sad news, including calling my step-dad to tell him to have my mother email me. I got to tell my mother that her mother had passed away, via email. While still sitting in a room full of sleeping kids.

I'm not sure how to feel about this loss. When my dad's mother died two years ago, I was devastated. Nana and I were very close. I'm not close to this side of my family, but I still feel a loss. I went to synagogue tonight, which was planned, and my MIL and FIL made sure I was close when we said kaddish (mourner's prayer). I was almost in tears during it. I've said it before, for my brother and my Nana, but it still hurt. I think I'm more mourning the loss of what could have been. That side of my family is very close, to each other, but not to us. If it wasn't for facebook and my "friendship" with my cousin, I would never have found out. None of us would have.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post, other than a place to express my feelings in a way that doesn't result in curling up crying. Thanks for reading all of this.