Have you guys seen this article? This might be one of the most helpful things I've read, ever. But also one of the most painful.
I realized a few months ago that one thing people have to do in order to be healthy is stop making other people responsible for our feelings. I wrote on my wall (it's a chalkboard wall), "Your feelings are always okay, but they aren't necessarily anyone's fault." One thing I still struggle with, though, is fearing other people's anger, hurt, and negative feelings. It feels so overwhelming, and I still struggle with a fear of abandonment. Last night I had a realization though: if someone abandons me, that isn't about me. I'm not "fundamentally abandon-able" - there's nothing about me that makes abandonment inevitable, although the more I fear it the more I'll be attracted to people (romantically and otherwise) who will meet that expectation. I have no control over other people's feelings, and that's actually good. It means I'm not responsible for them either, and if people don't care about me, it isn't my fault.
It's weird, I'm at this point in my life where I would normally be terrified, plotting an escape plan. I'm engaged and I love GreenHunk dearly, but since we've been having problems I think we are both unsure about things. And yet I feel a weird sense of peace. I love him, and I'll do whatever I can do, without sacrificing my sense of self, to save our relationship. I think he feels the same way, and if he does, we're going to be fine. But if I'm wrong and he isn't willing to work for us, that isn't on me. It doesn't mean I'm unlovable. I have no idea what I'll do if that happens and I'm sure I'll be sad for awhile, but it won't ruin my whole life. Because something amazing has happened to me in the last few years: I've started believing that I matter. And that's made everything better. It's made me less afraid of the truth, whatever it may be.